#once again you see nothing you definitely don’t see me creating for a story i’ve only watched and not played myself

[lilyoffandoms]

Jarek x Trey

It’s the beige love affair he clearly has going on with his clothing for me lol

I feel like I managed to capture them slightly younger still not quite college age young but eh at this point it’s close enough for me haha

My Art Ish Thing Tag (Choices Edition): @storyofmychoices @aallotarenunelma @twinkleallnight @dutifullynuttywitch @loreofyore @peonierose @trappedinfanfiction

[joannasprose]

just don’t leave me alone, wondering where you are

CW: harassment, violence, a little bit of angst.

I’m sorry for not posting for like. five billion years :/ here’s some vi x reader angst/fluff because I’ve been thinking about her :p

———

You dragged your feet against the hot asphalt as though you were being held down by a large anchor.

The street of the underside had become crowded during this time, the bustling streets and the cities merchants hoping to get a grab of whatever you had in the pockets of your pants.

It had been seven years since then. Since Vander. Since Mylo and Claggor and Powder. Vi’s name had always brought bitterness on your tongue. Since the day she disappeared, you had never once spoken it out-loud. It plagued your mind like a festering and undying disease.

As you stride through the already crowded streets—your eyes find The Last Drop. Memories filled your mind like a flood. You remember days spent in the bar, speaking with Vandar and indulging in Powder’s unfinished.

Most importantly, you remember Vi. Nights where the two of you sat on the roof and she listened to you talk about your day. The same old story with the same old ending.

Pushing those memories far from your head, you turn the street corner nearest to the well-known brothel, a familiar face comes into view, making you unknowingly heave out an annoyed breath.

“How’re you doing, sweetheart?” His voice calls, one that fills your head with an irritation warranted light just for him. One of Silco’s guards, his arm resting against the brick of the alleyway, a smile displaying his teeth and gums.

“Sam,” you say, crossing your arms over your chest, putting your disinterest on display.

“Aw come on. Why the long face? You missed me that much?” His confidence is what stirs a smile on your lips. You can’t remember when he had first began to take an interest in you. Unfortunately, you wished you have have handled the days of being unknown with much more care.

Sam lifts himself from the wall, stepping closely towards you, and attempting to slightly graze the hair that hangs wildly out of place on your head. But before he has the chance though, you grab his wrist with as much force as you could muster up.

“Don’t touch me.” You say, venom laced in your words as his face once portraying a deep lust, now twisted into an agitated and offended expression.

He pulls himself out of your hands, his arms dangling at his side for only but a moment before he reels his right arm back, the palm of his hand meeting the skin of your cheek.

It stings. A harsh pain that you’ve felt a few times before. “I’ve been nothing but kind to you for months, and you’ve yet to give me what I want.” This time, you really do laugh. Is harassment really his judgement of kindness?

His brows furrow, anger tucked underneath. As he steps closer to grab your face, a figure pulls him back, throwing him off balance.

You can’t see their face. They don’t speak to you. Only harsh grunt from themself, and Sam, and the streets of the under-city are what clouds your senses.

Their fists meet his face unrelentingly. You hear him beg, pleading for the stranger to stop. You can’t see it, but you can hear it. Fist meeting bone with anger laced in the strangers knuckles.

You don’t say anything. No words escape the space between your lips as the stranger lets him go, and as he crawls away, limping frantically.

“Don’t come near her again.” That voice. So endearing yet harsh. Familiar yet distant.

As she turns to you, those light blue eyes creating heart ache and helplessness in you—you muster up the courage to speak.

“Vi?”

———

definitely planning on making this a little series! yes I know this is so obviously rushed but I really wanted to get something out because I’ve been gone for so long! but I promise the next part will most definitely be longer and well written <3

reread this and im cringing so hard omg

[jimlingss]

Three years!

Hello, everyone and happy Jimlingss anniversary! Woohoo! It has been three years since my official retirement and eight years since I’ve began this blog. That’s absolutely crazy since it all feels like yesterday. Time flies when you’re having fun.

First and foremost, thank you to all who still send me messages and give me feedback on my stories! I do check back once in a while and read everything, so nothing goes unnoticed. Your kind words always make me miss the simpler days of writing. :’) It really gets me nostalgic.

Second, here is my yearly update!

I’ve finished my second year of law school! I finished off this year with a bang and did quite well, if I do say so myself. There’s one more year left to go and that’s insane since I remember the first day so vividly. I’m a bit sad for it to be all over — I never thought I’d ever feel this way. But I’ve made so many friends and created so many memories. When it’s all over, everyone will be going their own path. Luckily, I’m sure we’ll remain connected and be close friends no matter what.

I don’t think I’ve had such a positive experience quite like this in all my years of schooling. I’ve always been the type to just scurry on home, never liked what I was studying, and never had too many friends. So this change has been unexpected yet very welcome.

In terms of career, I’ve been working this summer and I have something lined up for when I’m finished school! So soon I’ll be racking in the dough, wooooooo!! Let’s get it!

My family is also doing well — and I feel very fortunate for that. 

Third, and most important, I am happy to announce that I have a boy I absolutely adore! We’ve officially been dating for four months? That seems so short on paper, but we’ve known each other for close to two years! I’m living out one of my friends to lovers fics, I swear (lol).

He’s been a close friend since the start of law school and somewhere along the line I gradually caught feelings (of course I did lmao). I was sure rejection was on the horizon and I wanted to preserve our dear friendship, so I was trying to get over it for months by myself. This included online dating and going on a string of dates (hahaha). I ended up cracking and calling him on the phone one night, but then aborted mission. Thanks to the advice of a friend, I stopped avoiding him and being an embarrassment, and I finally confronted him. He said we should give it a shot, and here we are!

He has brown, curly hair that reminds me of a poodle. And he made me realize why love is so loved — why it’s so revered — talked about — imprinted in each other’s minds. Everywhere. I’ve written countless love stories but never truly experienced the feeling before, and yet, he’s made the heart of my stories come to life. He’s let me live them in real time. 

I really hope it works out! LOL

Anyway, I’m always happy to do these updates and for all those who may be just a bit curious enough about me to check in. Although this is a very positive update (and I hope it continues to be), my life isn’t without its ups and downs either. It just seems to be in a general upwards trajectory. 

Thank you to everyone who still remembers me, and who may still read my stories! I definitely haven’t forgotten about you all, so I hope you haven’t forgotten me either.

Here’s to another year! See you again!

[savindeku]

as a long time bnha fan, had to drop some thoughts i’ve been having about the manga ending! i’ve held this series near and dear to my heart, through the moments when i felt it was great story telling and when i felt so much was missing, or didn’t quite hit the mark. so i definitely don’t think bnha (or hori) is above critique, i love to yap about this series ((:

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE ENTIRE SERIES BUT OF COURSE PARTICULARLY FOR CHAP 430

to me, there’s three main parts to the ending that i felt make sense:

izuku giving up OFA

izuku becoming a teacher

izuku still having the chance to be a true quirkless hero

going into depth on each of these, while i love the inclusion of these three pieces, i can understand why the actual execution didn’t land with folks. even i have my qualms! okay let’s get into it! ps. this is really me just yapping away from the heart so bare with it 🫰🏽

1) izuku giving up OFA:

I think this one should not come as too much of a surprise, given that the reveal of OFA essentially being the cause of the early demises of the previous holders sort of insinuated an uncontrollable aspect to the power. even though izuku has an advantage as someone who was quirkless, it still creates a sense of foreshadowing that this is a gift that might have an expiration date. of course, a part of me would have loved for him not to have given it up but there’s enough build up there that it doesn’t feel out of left field. in addition to the running theme in the series being that anyone can be a hero/a quirk doesn’t make a hero, there’s certainly some symbolism in izuku now affectively being without, making him a quirkless hero - what he had dreamed of since the first chapter.

2) izuku becoming a teacher:

personally, i really love this for him! as a consumer of many a fanfic, i have grown obsessed with this job alternative for him, since it allows him to continue to work in the hero field, he can inspire the next generation to save to win (that as long as you willing to extend that helping hand, that’s what being a real hero is), his analytic mind is doing important work, and can use his own experience to help others learn! “deku sensei” makes my heart so happy and if anything, i would’ve loved an extra chapter just to see him as a teacher. one thing ill add here is, i can understand some disappointment with this or frustration at hori because to some, it may seem izuku ended up becoming complacent and didn’t at least try to continue to pursue his dream of being a hero after the war. not sure where i fall on this, but food for thought.

3) izuku still having the chance to be a true quirkless hero (sorry this is gonna be long lol):

now to really get into the big reveal for this final chapter - a tech suit designed just for izuku (at the main request of a one katsuki bakugou, which yeah i Will Be Totally Normal About) so he can still be on the field as a pro-hero!! okay i also loved this, i won’t deny it as much as im on the deku sensei train! bnha is a series that is never going to please everyone and its ripe with many issues throughout but i do think this was a beautiful way to wrap it up. once again, from chapter 1, we are met with izuku who wants nothing more to be a hero despite being quirkless. i never really liked the argument of “well why didn’t he try harder or train up” when the series explains to us over and over again that this is a society that values quirks above all else. its a literal systemic issue (hitting close to home but i digress), where izuku would NEVER have been accepted as a quirkless hero no matter how hard he worked because it simply isn’t designed to allow that (also where the fuck would he have gotten the resources for that is beyond me lmao).

to me, this part was actually very important for bringing the story to a full circle in which we actually (somewhat, but arguable not completely) address the core issue and theme “people are not born equal”. instead of perpetuating a “pull yourself up by your boot straps” mindset, hori tells a story where we acknowledge the system and how it is working as intended - and that’s the very reason it needed dismantling. of course, i think along the way, we maybe lost the plot at times (thinking about how we didn’t fully address izuku’s martyrdom mindset, children get sent off to war multiple times, most of the villains being k*lled off rather than being saved as izuku wanted) but there’s much evidence of this. knowing that there was still the spirit of a hero in izuku - which is MADE SO CLEAR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HAVING A QUIRK - and he now has the chance to continue onward, quirkless. i mean c’mon, it’s really something (to me at least).

bonus note time

here’s a sprinkle of random lingering thoughts. one critique i saw was that it felt strange for izuku to accept he couldn’t be a pro-hero until his friends (ehm mainly Katsuki teehee) gifted him the suit. as if he really just gave up and this sort of hurts any character development for izuku. while i see the thought process here and would’ve also welcomed izuku getting the suit designed himself, it doesn’t upset me quite as much that this is how it actually played out. it’s definitely conflicting feelings for me because ultimately i would’ve loved for izuku to have had an arc where it was more explicitly stated that he overcame his overly sacrificial tendencies - or that the story spent time sitting with the trauma inflicted on the children fighting a war. but here is where bnha slacks off (imo) - we don’t get that breath to explore or analyze or genuinely know izuku’s thoughts or feelings on the matter (beyond that he’s sad that shigaraki died, enjoys being a teacher, and can admit that he misses his quirk). so in this way, it makes sense why hori chose this path. it’s more about his friends extending their hand to him, an offering of never leaving anyone behind who is a hero, quirk or not. i think of it as something more symbolic than it having to say anything about izuku’s character. i think for that to be addressed, there’s so many things further back we would need to unravel too lol

lastly - bnha is also a story about disabilities!! there’s been a decent amount of analysis on this so i won’t say much but i think this is also good to keep in mind. it helps for understanding the metaphor in place - quirks can be disabling and rather than creating a world that is accessible to all, the world requires that you figure it out instead. “people are not born equal” what if we dared to dream of a world that understood “we each take shape differently…” so that we might want to care for one another. so we can build something that makes the space for all of us to be able to live and thrive.

okay so that’s what i’m feeling now! like i said, i really love bnha and i simply can’t bring myself to say i hated the ending or anything. it’s a series that will always have a special place in my heart! there’s are just thoughts rattling in my brain and how ive interpreted things as someone whose read the manga the last 5 years! it’s crazy to look back and remember key moments that shook the fandom to its core. anyway, if you read all of this, thanks!! :D

[itaehynz]

800 FOLLOWERS SPECIAL!

thank you so much for 800 followers. i never would’ve thought my writing could get this much love and it truly means a lot, you don’t even know. when i started writing here, i didn’t think that people would genuinely read my works but seeing as i was proven wrong… it really means so much.

so, as a way to show my appreciation for all of you… i’ll be hosting this special! please don’t hesitate to send anything in, as long as it doesn’t overstep my boundaries!

BEFORE REQUESTING, please read my guidelines to know my boundaries! p.s. due to my personal life, some requests may be fulfilled slower than others, but that doesn’t mean i won’t get to them! ♡

our special masterlist!

PART ONE ── ˖ ⊹ ࣪ 🎞️ ˚ ₊ let’s do that again!

this part should be pretty easy to understand! you can request for me to rewrite one of my existing works, or even request a part two!

for example: “i’d like to request a part two of “i can’t remember to forget you!��� or you can do, “i’d like to request the soobin version of “smoking out the window.”

you can find all of my previous works here!

PART TWO ── ˖ ⊹ ࣪ 📸 ˚ ₊ most/least likely to!

another part that’s pretty easy to understand! these requests could be a statement and i’ll respond with my own thoughts on it!

for example: “who’s most likely to cry during aftercare?”

PART THREE ── ˖ ⊹ ࣪ 👥 ˚ ₊ talk to our cast!

instead of talking to me, you can talk to the alternated versions of the members from my fics! anyone is open to chat so feel free to pick any of my works!

for example: “beomgyu from ‘coffee’, how did you feel when y/n wasn’t taking care of themselves?”

have fun and go wild! you can find my fics here!

PART FOUR ── ˖ ⊹ ࣪ 📺 ˚ ₊ welcome to the movies!

here’s where you can create your own piece! you can choose a movie and pick the member you’d like. it’ll take time for me to write but it will definitely be out, no doubt!

here are the options!

geek charming.

tangled.

a cinderella story.

to all the boys i’ve loved before!

challengers.

the perks of being a wallflower.

bring it on: all or nothing.

blue beetle.

sweet home. (i know it’s a show but hey)

500 days of summer.

the kissing booth.

batman. — read here!

PART FIVE ── ˖ ⊹ ࣪ 🐚 ˚ ₊ USE YOUR PIXIE DUST!

with this one, you can use your imagination to create your own fairytale! you can request anything you’d like, but be specific! within your submission, you must include the genre you’d like and your member of choice.

here are my guidelines!

i hope you guys have fun with this event! i’m so happy to even be able to do this as it shows how far i’ve come with my choice of art. everything written for this special will be under the tag of ‘☆ 800 FOLLOWERS!’ just in case you need help finding a certain work.

once again, thank you so much for helping me achieve this goal. i love you all & enjoy. ♥︎

[destinygoldenstar]

Digital Circus Episode 2 - Is It Fire Or Trash Fire?

I was gonna use the ‘Is it Good Or Nah’. But then I saw this image and thought this was more appropriate.

SO, Digital Circus.

The Pilot got more than… 1 view.

So naturally I grasped onto the pilot episode for… what did I say again?

I just fell in love with what the pilot episode had to offer that appealed to me at the time, and maybe now more than back then now that I am an adult in the real world.

There was no trying to replicate realism. They were embracing COLOR, and out there character designs all animated differently yet beautifully. There were mysteries regarding the world they created just begging for theories and speculation. There was such great editing that does NOT get talked about more. It wasn’t like the other physical horror mascot horrors, as instead it was existential, toying with peoples minds, which to me was SO much more compelling. This had one of the most relatable protagonists I’ve seen in quite some time. A ringmaster I love to see on screen. Other characters begging to be explored. While not every joke landed for me, I definitely vibed with its style of humor.

So, meaningless to say, I understood why this show resonates with so many people, including myself.

So the show staying indie and not letting any major cooperations dictate how they run their show and their story, is inspiring.

So while I do see the signs so far being that the show will turn out good, by the way the creators want it to turn out (it’s their show after all). I’m just always naturally skeptical.

I said it once. I’ll say it again. I am not doing this for the popularity. I’m doing this because I genuinely enjoy the show and want to see how it turns out.

So this is just gonna be MY take on the episode influenced by nobody else.

Even with the trailers and advertisement they did, I was still skeptical on whether or not it’d turn out good. At least in my opinion.

When they introduced all the new characters, I saw that as a red flag. Because indie shows seem to LOVE introducing new characters and bloating the story and taking screen time away from the supposed main cast. Happened with RWBY. Happened with Hazbin. (I like Hazbin, but you can’t tell me I’m wrong)

Then the trailers came out and yeah, it looked like a fun episode. A nice sweet desert after the heartbreak I suffered from Dragons Rising Season 2.

And for the indie animation industry, this show is, and will be, no matter what, an inspiration for so many people. And that is something I will always love the show for.

But for quality, you know, I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

The hype is pretty massive for what the pilot leaves. So there was no way Episode 2 could possibly live up to the hype.

But, I want to give support, so I will anyway.

And no matter what I say here, I am so proud of the people that made this. Gooseworx. Glitch. The animators. Everyone involved in the project.

The fact that these guys were able to push through such a harsh reception last time with all the drama and bullshit. They pushed through, stuck to their guns, and continued to make the show they wanted.

That is so inspiring and I have nothing but respect.

SO… now for my take.

Did this episode live up to the hype???

(SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE EPISODE, WATCH IT, THEN COME BACK BEFORE CLICKING ‘KEEP READING’)

IT DID.

IT DID LIVE UP THE HYPE.

OMG.

So, in short, YES, it’s 🔥FIRE.🔥

Okay, well, mostly fire. I’ll get all my negatives out of the way right now. Don’t worry there’s not much. And they’re pretty minor.

The jokes didn’t land for me as well as they did in the pilot. They weren’t bad, but I remember laughing a lot less than before. The croc doing tricks got me, as well as Bubble’s censorship, and some of Pomni’s lines. But that’s about it.

There was little to no explanation about why Zooble doesn’t participate here, though keep in mind that this is based off a first viewing, I may have missed something, and I may analyze this in the future and what this means exactly.

Gangle was also disappointing to me. I didn’t need her to do much, but you give her one line before her comedy mask breaks again? We don’t even get to see what she’s like with it on? Seriously?

And this last one may be a complete me preference, and this also goes for my biggest critique in the pilot as well, I just don’t find the B Plots all that interesting.

Whereas the main plots of these episodes are not only exhilarating with a series of action and comedy, but also have compelling emotional hooks with its trippy editing and character stakes. The B Plots are mostly just… standing there. Talking.

No interesting character bits here, at least not yet, no editing that indicates something about their POV, no jokes that stand out to me, it’s just ‘they meet a monster, Jax is a dick, and then it finds resolves itself without much effort’.

I dont mind it when characters just sit there and talk, you’ll find later on my post, but I do want them to actually amount to something? At least in the pilot the gloinks were a driving force to get Kaufmo in the cellar in the end. With this one? You could pretty much remove the chocolate monster and not much would change about the episode.

I do think this is a me problem though, and there’s something I’m missing. I’ll look back later. And regardless, I do want them to improve with these B Plots overall.

And, yep, those are my only problems with this episode. Otherwise,

HOLY S%#T I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR ANYTHING HERE

The animation is so much better than the previous episode?!?!?!

Not that it was bad before. Hell no. But there’s something more smooth about this episode, with its lighting in particular. It looks smooth as butter. And when it’s NOT, it’s for a narrative purpose.

And what I said about the editing in the pilot in certain posts are still here. And they both come together to make something extremely pleasant to look at.

I am so happy that we arent going to be experiencing this one location at the tent for the whole show. Because these other worlds look so vibrant and alive and gives each episode its own flare and identity.

The nightmare scene intro is an amazing hook for the rest of the episode. Not just to address Pomni’s conflict in this episode thinking nobody will care about her when she dies, or, abstracts I should say, but also to put the traumatic experience of everything that has happened at the forefront and NOT gloss over it.

Because yeah. She watched someone basically DIE from insanity. And she could end up on the chopping block too? Of course this is appropriate behavior. There is no smiling through it and getting excited about the next day. I absolutely LOVE how they are addressing the crisis that stems in these situations. Even regarding stuff I didn’t even think about.

I personally don’t mind that Ragatha isn’t mad at Pomni for what happened. It’s perfectly in character for her, and the drama with this conflict isn’t about one being angry after the other, but rather that Ragatha doesn’t know how to connect with and comfort Pomni and fears that her inability to let the jester in means she doesn’t like her or want her around.

That’s so much more compelling than a fight/separation conflict. And it’s so real.

Ragatha’s a sweetheart and deserves the best.

You know who doesn’t?

Jax.

And you guys doubted by words of him in the past?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure we all expected this to be his episode and it wasn’t, and I’m sure there’s more depth to why he acts the way he does, the proof is there. He will get his episode in the future.

But MAN, he kinda scared me here. He was so much harsher than he was in the pilot, and absolutely willing to KILL, just for his own sick amusement.

I can’t say I’m surprised that’s his mindset, thinking all the people around him are just objects and playthings. But I am still floored by how far they were willing to go with him.

Again, I’m sure he’ll get his episode later fully explaining this behavior.

But… you know what I really want to talk about.

And yeah, it’s undeniably the best part of this entire show so far.

Mostly because it’s spoken to me the most.

Like, on paper, Pomni’s story arc in this episode is very well handled. Over the pilot and here, it’s very clear she’s grown as a person and is far more willing to see those around her and the new world she’s become a part of.

A lot of us suspected some things to happen in this episode, but I don’t think ANY of us predicted this.

See, I correctly guessed that Pomni falling in the cellar was a nightmare. And I guessed that she was going to get yeeted with the truck in the fight and separate from the group.

But I also expected that to be her disappearing for a good portion of the episode and the rest of the group was gonna get screen time trying to find her and save her.

That would’ve been the cliched mainstream show route.

Yeah I was wrong. They didn’t do that.

Instead she and one of the NPC’s, GummiGoo (beloved) get glitched to the outside of the game map and GummiGoo realizes his miserable meaningless existence as an NPC and has an identity crisis about who he is and why he’s even alive. And Pomni, who went through the exact same thing prior to this, is the one to talk him to finding relevance in his life. They befriend each other and build a hopeful future.

AND THEN THAT GETS SHATTERED OMG CAINE WHY-?!

Like, BRO, that’s WAY more compelling than whatever the gosh I was predicting with my mainstream cliched head.

GummiGoo is such a sweetheart and deserved better. Simple as that.

And this ISN’T shafting a main character aside so that a side character can be the writer’s favorite toy. This both gives the side character depth and love from the audience, while also serving a strong purpose for the development of the main character. Both get a role here and both earn the audiences love as a result.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY THIS IS SO HARD WHEN IT COMES TO THE INDIE WORLD I DONT GET IT-

I do feel like GummiGoo is gonna come back several episodes later and serve a purpose there. But for now I think he is gonna be gone for at least two or three episodes before that return.

(Gosh darn it Glitch, you made me feel bad for an NPC. What are you doing?)

But as I keep alluding to, that’s just the practical objective take on this storyline.

There’s actually a far more subjective take I have with this, and the reason why it made me tear up.

So, I don’t know if my followers know this, but I am a newly formed young adult in the real world in my college years. I work my nine to five. I study. I sleep. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. That has always been the extent of my life for the past year, and one that has driven my anxiety to the bitter ground. Especially nowadays.

I’m also an aspiring artist with dreams of sharing my own stories with the world and being my own indie producer. But again and again, my dreams get shattered by someone I care about in my life, and they insist that I will fail and never make it doing this.

So instead I kinda gave up. And conformed to the world as an NPC doing NPC things. I’m never gonna become someone famous. I’m always an extra made for someone else’s development. When I die, I’ll be forgotten…

It’s a terrifying thought. And every time I try to break free from thus existence and pursue my dreams, I develop pretty painful anxiety pangs. That, and that also has to do with a level of bullying and talking down I’ve endured in my life, so I’ve found it impossible to talk to others about these things.

So you could say that I see myself in Pomni way too much.

And then Digital Circus’s Pilot entered my life. I watched it. Expecting to get the popularity appeal and curiosity out of my way.

What I got instead was something that spoke to me so personally at the time.

An escape from reality with so many bright colors and wonder… but also a personal existential crisis that lives through every character. Even dead ones.

(I never expected them to even care about Kaufmo, but I’m so glad they did)

Pomni was me entering into adulthood. A new world. A new home. A new adult body nobody knows what to do with. Unsure who you are. What your existence is. And everyone expects you to do the same thing over and over again without question or purpose.

And there’s no way out of it.

That’s just… life.

And if I’m struggling to understand myself, then who, who all seem to be okay with everything, would even care about me?

Am I even good enough? Or am I destined for complete failure to even be a person?

And then in the midst of my crisis, this episode comes in. And… it’s hard to even word out how personally this has spoken to me.

That’s why Pomni finding out she and GummiGoo have a lot in common is so important.

Because yeah, nobody would usually care about the NPC’s of the world. The people going on with day to day life without leaving much impact on anything. Finding out that your existence as a person is utterly meaningless and will be forgotten in years or days time.

But it was also the reminder that nobody is alone in feeling worthless and that nobody cares about you. There’s someone that will. Even if it’s just one person.

It gives a sense of hope that helps people want to live in the first place and not give up or resort to losing their minds.

And then that reality kicks in when that NPC’s existence becomes meaningless physically.

But that hope doesn’t leave.

Because instead of letting Pomni mourn what could’ve been, she’s instead greeted to people caring about someone who had passed on. When it seemed like nobody would.

There’s no words here. But I don’t think that’s a problem. The action speaks louder than words.

It’s a show don’t tell moment of the others paying their respects for a lost loved one and holding those memories and the experiences they carried closely.

Which causes Pomni to relive her own nightmare at the start of the episode.

But instead of her getting ditched and forgotten, she’s saved by these people. These people who have been in her shoes before and want to help her see that it’s okay. They aren’t going to abandon her. They aren’t going to forget about her.

No matter who or what you are, you mean something to someone and can change their reality.

Like GummiGoo did, even if it was short lived.

You are not Alone.

Existence on earth is shattering and will keep you down and terrified. But you are not alone to face these fears and this crisis in this world.

You matter. And there will always be someone out there who won’t abandon you.

You will be Okay.

…

So yeah. Great episode.

I was skeptical to say it with just one episode, but now with two I can say it: Digital Circus has become my new comfort show, and the most relevant show for me in these upcoming years.

And it’s going to be a roller coaster of a great show in the future.

At least so long as the people making this stay indie and do what they want with it.

That, I have become very confident about now.

This show lives up to the hype. It’s amazing. I’m super grateful.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to start eating gummies and crying.

[lesbonym]

Light filters through the windows, a faint chill wind passing through the open one on the other side of the room. Leaves flutter and shake lightly in the breeze, mixing with the birds and a small metal wind chime to create a morning’s chorus. A scented wood wick candle adds a crackling flame to the noise, and adds a pleasant aroma to the room. For the first time in my new home, I stir.

I sleepily stretch, but pause when I hear a small clinking noise. I open my eyes, but squint immediately once I process the light. My room normally isn’t this bright. That doesn’t look like my ceiling. This… this isn’t my room. I try to jolt up, but get tugged back down as that clinking sounds again. Chains. I’m tied to a bed in a house I’ve never seen before. I panic, but I don’t even think to scream. I struggle desperately against the chains, disrupting the peaceful noise that once flooded the room, yet I gain no ground. I look around desperately for anything that could help me escape, but there’s nothing. I nearly begin to cry, before I hear a faint humming from the other side of the walls. It sounds so… sweet. I feel, almost, calm. Like I could be, despite everything, safe here.

You finally set the final pancake on the plate and decorate it with fruit and syrup perfectly. Your precious puppy deserves a warm welcome to her new home after all. You thought you heard the chains clinking together for a moment, but surely the drugs can’t have worn off that quickly, right? She’d probably be screaming too, and you’d definitely be hearing that. Reassuring yourself, you pick up the plate and try to sneak back into our room so you can surprise me with breakfast.

We make eye contact, you freeze and nearly drop the plate, but steady yourself before that can happen. Tears well up in my eyes when I realize that this truly isn’t a nightmare and I was, in fact, kidnapped. I manage out a shaky “Who… are you?” before having to bite back tears.

You steady yourself and say smoothly “Why, I’m yours, dear. Just as you’re mine.”

Hearing me fearfully respond “N-no” stings, the word seems to tear your very soul apart. Yet, you still see it in my eyes. Doubt, in my own words. I feel safe, and I can’t hide that fact. It’s the only time I’ve truly felt safe in… I don’t remember how long. Deep down, somewhere, I know that I belong here.

“Here baby, lemme feed you. I wasn’t sure what you liked so I went with pancakes.”

I look up at you with pleading eyes for a moment, but accept the food. I open when you tell me to. I chew and swallow and drink when you tell me to. You see a smile dance across my face for just a moment. I finally seem… calm.

“It- it was good. The- the food, I mean” I finally stutter out, meekly.

You’re a little shocked that I spoke again, but respond “Oh, well I’m really glad you liked it, sweet girl. Thank you for being such a good girl and eating so well.”

The blush that crawled across my face was a color you’ve only seen in sunsets. An image you wanted nothing more than to capture and keep forever, but the memory itself would last for years. The chains clank again as I try, and fail, to hide my face with my hands. It was almost too adorable to bear. You immediately lean in for a kiss, but pause, not sure if I’d reciprocate.

“Do you want this, pretty girl?”

I nod, somehow blushing an even brighter shade.

I wasn’t lying, that food did taste good, a taste complimented by my flavor.

“M-may I stay here? Forever?” I mumble against you, somehow forgetting you had kidnapped me to make sure I did exactly that.

“Yes sweet girl, forever.”

-🐦‍⬛

Love to see my threats of kidnapping inspired you to write, sweet puppy. So cute :3. I'm glad you know you'd be where you belong when you're finally kidnapped >:3

More story to feed anons!

[lust-for-celebs]

That story of yours about Tina getting 4ssaulted was pretty cool. Can you write something about the same man assaulting all of the other girls that are living with her in the streamer house of that story too, please? Your writing is amazing dude!

Hey, thanks for the support. I definitely try. I don’t know if my writing is really all that great. There’s definitely quite a few writers or both smut and otherwise that are above me, but I like to think that I’ve improved rather quickly from my first story.

I love that idea, and I’m definitely going to do it. I just need to decide whether I want to add chapters to the original, maybe changing the title in the process, make it a separate story, a series of oneshots, or just one big oneshot or chapter depending on whether or not I add it on or makes it its own separate entity.

I’m going to be basing it, very loosely, off of the 100 Thieves group. I know very little about them unfortunately, but I’ll do a bit of research on them, and I welcome anyone to try selling me on any streamer to add to the list for this idea regardless of whether their in 100 Thieves, related to them, or their own separate thing.

From my current understanding, the ladies who are or were at one time a part of this group were TinaKitten, Valkyrae, BrookeAB, Kyedae, Fuslie, and Neekolol, who I had to do extra searching for confirmation she was ever a part of it ‘cause she only appeared on one of the two lists I found. Both of which seem a bit incomplete.

I’m almost done with the Rhea Ripley story, and I’m going to work on continuing another after, but I’ll write a bit of a teaser to this with the current concept I have for a continuation.

This time, featuring Valkyrae much more front and center.

Tina let out a breath that she hadn’t even realized she was holding.

Still nothing.

She turned off her phone and looked around. Birds chirped, wind blew gently against the grass and trees, creating an almost ethereal rustling of leaves. The breeze slid against her legs, and she felt lighter than the day before, and she knew she’d feel lighter the day after.

The click of the doorknob as she turned it satisfied her ears. The click of the door being shut and locked even more so.

Her mind traveled to just about a week or two before. Her mind was too messy at the time to keep track of the exact date. It may have been even more for all she knew.

But it was the day things started to fix themselves, so she’d never forget it even if she couldn’t remember the date.

The man had come back yet again for what felt like the hundredth time. Every time, he would get rougher and demand more and more. He had even taken videos of her supposedly consenting to it all when she was her weakest and most afraid of him, and he threatened to post them online if she ever tried to expose him.

Each time, he had pushed just a bit closer to finally driving himself inside of her vagina, and she knew that once he did, he was going to cum inside her. That night, she was certain he was going to do it. The thought scared her as it bounced around inside her skull, vibrating with every thud.

So, she refused. She told to leave and to never come back. She said she didn’t care if he posted the videos online. She just wanted him gone.

“You ready for another night of fun?” The man asked that like he was a friend of hers.

“No.” Just one word, and it sounded so fragile to her own ears. She knew that it was either that night or never. She had to find her resolve.

“No? Well, I suppose you never are,” he said with a chuckle, “but that’s exactly how I like you.”

Those words. Those words right there were what she needed.

“No.” More force this time. “No, I don’t want to, and I’m not going to.”

She looked up to see a look of shock across his face. Widened eyes and an open mouth. It almost made her want to laugh.

“You know what happens if you don’t behave yourself, bitch.”

“Post them. I don’t give a shit.”

“I’ll just…” He stopped in his tracks, turning away from her. “Fine.”

Tina was a little confused, but the look on his face as he turned back to look at her one final time, furrowed brow, downturned lips, and obviously grit teeth, washed that away. After that, she was joyful.

She had done it. She had stood up for herself and gotten him to leave her alone.

Even as she took that final step up the stairs, she could still feel herself smiling, proud of what she had done. The time she spent under his control would never leave her, and she hated that she didn’t find a way to make sure he was punished, but she had survived, and that was all that mattered to her.

She shook her head. That was over now. She needed to refocus on moving forward, better than ever.

First step, she needed to go talk Rae. They had something planned for sometime in the next week. Plus, she had been considering telling her about what had happened. She knew she heard something that night, and while she probably just thought she was masturbating or something, Rae did say she could come talk if she needed anything.

Rae was a good friend. She’d be willing to talk.

Arriving at Rae’s door, she began to knock only to hear a quiet, subdued moan. A blush found its way across Tina’s face.

Shit, she hoped Rae didn’t hear her knock. Oh, that felt embarrassing.

Tina made to sneak away, trying to not make any noise with her footsteps, when suddenly the door opened. Tina’s head instinctually turned back around.

Her eyes widened.

There was Rae, tied up, nipples clamped, suspended in air. Tina was certain there was more, but the room was dark, and her eyes were drawn away quickly to the only other occupant standing beside her friend.

It was the man.

No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No. No.

Without a will behind them, her feet moved forward, and she could see both of them more clearly.

The man was smiling. The wickedness and evil, the love of pain and cruelty shined from his upturned lips.

And Rae, she was looking at Tina, but her eyes didn’t call for help. They were full anger. Hatred. Vitriol.

Why was Rae looking at her like that?

“Welcome, Tina. Look at what I got all prepared for us already.” The man moved forward and reached behind her. Before Tina could fully process what was happening, she heard the click of the door being shut, followed by the click of the lock.

“Wha-wha-what are you talking about?” Tina whimpered out. This was supposed to be over.

“The plan, remember? It’s what I said I would do, and you didn’t push back on it.” No, she didn’t. She didn’t remember. What was he talking about?

She stole another glance at Rae. There was a clothespin clamped down on Rae’s clit, and she could see that the man hadn’t been gentle with her. Red marred her skin across her entire body mixed with purple from bruises. Around her neck, she could see a marking that told her she had been strangled for a significant period of time.

That sight brought back the pain of her own body. The feeling of her hair being pulled no matter how much she followed every order and command. The struggle to breathe as he squeezed his hands around her neck while fucking her from behind. Every slap, punch, kick, and spank came rushing back to her.

In that moment, it was like it never really ended at all.

Rae moaned around the ball gag stuffed in her mouth and strapped in around her head. Tina could tell it was angry. She must have believed whatever he told her. But why?

“Oh, come on, Tina. You agreed to this. Remember the first night we had our fun together?” No, she could barely remember that night. Maybe he said something while she was unconscious, or—No. He mentioned it. If she wasn’t quiet, he’d go after Valkyrae next.

But he never did before. Why now? Even when he had the perfect chance, he always stuck with just her.

And, like he always seemed to do, he read her mind and reminded her of that very night. It was one of the nights he had recorded, and he shoved his phone in her face, playing the video he took. One of them, at least.

She watched, from his perspective as his cock pumped in and out of her tight, small cunt and her little ass met his hips with every thrust.

She remembered that night. It had just been her and Rae in the house, and he wanted to fuck her just outside of Rae’s door. Tina pushed back just enough to make it the room right next to hers while watching Rae as she streamed.

He spoke in the video, “Hot little whore, ain’t she?”

She cringed both in the past and present at the word, but past her knew she had to play along.

“Yes, D-daddy.” A small stutter. She’d gotten uncomfortably good at suppressing those by that point.

He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her head back. The camera’s angle was raised a bit to show off her face, twisted in a grimace.

“And you’d help me make her into a good little slut like you, right?”

She hesitated just a few moments before letting out a quiet, “Yes.”

It wasn’t enough. She should’ve refused. She knew, or at least thought she knew, he’d never do anything to her, but she should’ve refused anyway.

He moved his hand from her hair to under her chin and said, “Aw, that doesn’t sound too certain. How about I do all the work and you can come in and have some fun after?”

“Ooh, fuck, yes!” Tina’s voice raised, and she sounded almost excited.

No. She didn’t remember saying it like that. No. She didn’t. She swore she didn’t. It was almost a squeal. It sounded more like she was excited than anything.

Why? Why did it come out like that.

That’s why Rae looked at her with such hatred. That’s why the muffled moans that slipped past the ball gag sounded angry.

He’d convinced Rae that Tina was in on it. That Tina was a part of this.

Tina should’ve done more. Tina really should’ve done more.

[sburbian-sage]

Arbiter, greetings. I am a native Smith of Flux.

A somewhat rare title, I’m given to understand. Nonetheless, I excel in that role, and often vagabounce to it. And over the years, I have gained a great deal of skill, and at at times reached incredible heights of power.

I once played in a session where I had a Seer of Flux as a coplayer. We developed a method by which I could gather massive amounts of our aspect within myself, and use it to essentially “supercharge” her, expanding her powers beyond what would normally be possible.

We never got far with it. The first time I ever want all-out, suffusing her with as much Flux as possible, I think she saw something she wasn’t supposed to see, or else saw too much, too fast.

In the moments before she died, she began describing to me something she called a “locked timeline”. She was soon distracted by other subjects- something about Toblerones, something else about the rumored “Huss” class, basically gibberish, and she only devolved from there.

She then suffered what we later determined to be a fatal brain hemorrhage. And cancer in basically every part of her body. And none of the available revival methods panned out.

This was years ago. In the meantime, I’ve tried vagabouncing to Seer of Flux myself, and have tried to examine those strange concepts she hit upon.

I think there may have been merit to some of it, especially the Locked Timeline concept.

I don’t want to get my hopes too high, but at minimum, if the glimpses I get with my (admittedly MUCH lesser) powers, and the things she said were true, I think we may have stumbled upon a way for Time players to branch a timeline without dooming one of the branches.

But I don’t know. I don’t know how to create one, hell I’ve not even been able to confirm for sure that they exist! I think I need to do the supercharged Flux-sight trick again- or maybe a similar trick, but with the Time aspect instead. But I’m scared. It’s not like I even really know what specifically went wrong the first time… or why kissing her didn’t bring her back, I KNOW her dreamself should’ve still been alive…

I want any advice you have to offer.

Man, Flux fuckers are the craziest, ten times out of ten.

I understand that a Seer of Flux would be able to divine the secrets of metatextuality, narrative, potential, and "the story" (making them, and Flux in general, really good at manipulating the Roleplay mechanics of SBURB by interacting with the "mythology" of the Session). But I don't think I can lend any credence to what she saw. Which was, in no particular order, Swiss chocolate snacks (I'm betting it was the Big Toblerone as well), a Class that doesn't exist, and something that fundamentally disregards how Time itself works. Not to mention that "Locked Timeline" sounds like how Time works normally, where there's "one path" and loads of doomed deviations if you free yourself of this fate. You said she died of a brain hemorrhage after you two super-Fluxxed her, wouldn't your first thought be that it was the fevered dreams of a literally broken mind?

To say nothing of how foolish it is to replicate a feat that resulted in someone dying a slow and bizarrely definitive death. But I know how you Flux guys operate. Right now I'm telling you not to do something, which sets up all the narrative framing. The Seer seeks council from a Sage, two Tacticians discussing a plan, which the Sage shuts down, citing the fatal flaw of Seers and Sages to act hasty and get themselves or others killed. This invocation of hastiness is, itself, hasty, as the Seer, disregarding the council in a display of symbolic and dramatic irony, moves forth with their original plan to great victory. Or perhaps...? I see it playing in your mind now, but I also know Flux-types hate it when you spell things out like this. There's a fine line between meta-textuality and breaking the fourth wall in so vulgar a fashion, and I'm Deadpooling it up over here. Ceci n'est pas une Tumblr blog post, this is a Prototype Towers archive site outfitted with an interface that makes the UI look exactly like Tumblr!

[saturdaynightghostclub]

Toady FAQ!

Hey y’all! I get a lot of the same questions (both on Tiktok and here in the bog), so I thought I’d answer a bunch of em at once! As always, if you have questions not listed here, I’m happy to chat :)

Are you going to upload/continue the 90s series? (Alternatively: Upload the 90s series. You should upload it to Tumblr. Continue the 90s series.)

With all the love in the world, no. At least not for the moment—ask me again in 6 months!

Writing that series ended up being super stressful, and I’m not super eager to get back in there at the moment. I’m worried I’d continue to carry that stress and that I’d grow to resent the story, which is not at all what I want! I also don’t want to be 8 chapters into a new piece of writing and still have people asking about the 90s series, which I hope is understandable.

By all means, save the posts from Tiktok so you can revisit them. Just please don’t post them anywhere :)

Do you have Spotify? Can you make a playlist of all the songs you used in your Tiktoks?

I’ve thought about this question a lot, and basically: you tell me.

I have a Spotify account, but haven’t shared it for privacy reasons. However, if enough people wanted it, I could be persuaded to change my username and share my playlists :)

I do think it’s fun to have music to go along with a story, and it’s actually the one thing I miss about Tiktok. So the other option would be to maybe post chapters as audio posts with the text underneath, if I can figure out how to do that?

Basically: you tell me what you think, and I’ll do it!

Will your next story feature XYZ?

It depends on your request (and, honestly, the tone in which you ask it). I’m more than happy to consider requests and suggestions, but I have two stipulations:

1. There are certain perspectives and lived experiences from which I simply cannot write accurately; if you’re asking me to write about the experiences of a marginalized group, consider that I might not be the person to portray them. On top of being in a privileged position myself, I’m also just not an experienced enough writer to properly research and depict experiences so inherently different from my own. I can definitely try my best to recommend other writers, but know that, in all things, my knowledge is limited to my own exposure and experience.

2. I cannot possibly make everyone happy. If I took every request I received, I’d end up with a disaster of a story that I wouldn’t even feel like I’d written. I need to retain some creative freedom in order for this to feel worth doing, so while I welcome suggestions please don’t be offended if I don’t take every one I see!

Any advice for people who want to major in English? What are you doing with your degree?

Yes!

Find your niche. Mine was American lit, specifically the weird stuff. The weirder the better—American Gothic, true crime journalism, 19th-century Spiritualism—you name it, I’ve written about it. If you can find a subgenre of literature that you LOVE, nothing you read or write will feel like work.

Don’t edit, rewrite! Print your draft and go over it in red pen, then re-type it with your corrections. I swear by this!

Don’t limit yourself, ever! Take classes on fantasy, sci-fi, children’s lit, climate crisis fiction, religious texts, whatever you can find. You will be better for it!

Everyone is wrong. There’s a TON you can do with an English degree. I worked in finance straight out of college—I knew nothing about business, but my degree taught me to communicate effectively and synthesize information from different sources. You have valuable skills, you just need to learn to market them! Now I’m working in my field and it’s great, but it was never the only option.

DO A STORY ABOUT X IN Y TIME PERIOD SET IN THIS SPECIFIC TOWN!

Beloved, stop yelling at me.

Can I use this as a writing prompt/write my own story/create fanart using these characters?

YES! Knock yourself out, I only ask that you tag me in the final product so I can see your lovely work and hype you up :)

Do you have book/movie/show recs that are similar to your work?

That depends! Send me a specific request (ie: MMCs with similar vibes to Jasper Stevens) and I’ll try my best to recommend you something. If I can’t think of anything, we’ll crowdsource!

[barkspawn]

maybe elliott finding out the farmer is an avid fanfic writer or something but never mentioned it due to the fact people often don't see fanfics as valid fiction.

*** This is a comment on the FIRST post asking for one-shot requests and I'm horrid and forgot ***

@shirofluff

Hi dont hate me here it is

Amelia's phone has been buzzing like mad today. She had to turn the sound off so it didn't drive her insane. She had finished her farmwork fairly quickly thanks to the sprinklers she was finally able to afford. Nothing was quite ready for harvest, but definitely would be soon. 

She sighed as she pulled her phone out to check the time, pleased to see that the hits on her story started to slow. Someone who was very well-known had shared a small bit of it and the rest of the fanbase jumped on it quickly. 

Thankfully, Elliott would be there in about an hour, giving her plenty of time to shower, or so she thought. She took longer than she intended to get ready to actually shower and once she got in, the hot water felt so good that she didn't want to get out. 

Before she knew it, she heard Elliott call out as he came into the house, “Amelia?”

She cursed under her breath before calling back, “I'm in the shower!” 

She got moving, focusing first on washing her hair. She heard Elliott walk to the door, giving the frame a gentle knock, “want me to sit with you? Or I can wait out here.”

She couldn't help but smile, humming at the feeling of the hot water washing away the shampoo, “that's up to you, love. I’d invite you to join me if we weren't pressed for time.”

He laughed softly, coming into the bathroom and leaning against the sink. 

“Don’t tempt me, my muse,” he teased. He couldn’t see through the glass, per se, but he could see a clear outline of her. It had to be one of his favorite views. 

The couple had been dating now for almost a year, growing inseparable. For Amelia, there was no question that they were meant to be together. The very moment they met, it was like she was talking to an old friend. She’d never felt so moved or invested in anything as much as his writing. But when he kissed her for the first time? She knew he was it. 

Her phone buzzed again, loud against the porcelain of the sink. She groaned as she started to rinse the soap from her body, “sorry, just social media going crazy. You can turn it off if you’d like.”

He hummed, picking up her phone and touching the power button before the notification caught his eye. 

“ New comment on The Runaway: Ch. 17: I love your writing! The way that Rayt…”

His brows pulled together in confusion, the door to the shower opening, Amelia standing there with a bright smile. His expression, however, caused her smile to fall as she reached for her towel, starting to dry her hair, “El, what’s wrong?”

He took a long moment before setting her phone down, which immediately buzzed again. His eyes met hers, and though he very much wanted to take in the beauty of the naked woman in front of him, he couldn’t seem to figure out what to feel. 

“You… write?” 

She blinked, realization taking the place of her confusion, “oh, uh, not really,” she commented, her voice small. It felt silly to be embarrassed but Elliott was a real, published author. She wrote stories about characters from her favorite comic online, “just little things about Cave Saga X.”

“Oh,” he watched her carefully as she dried herself off, “so are they reviews for them?”

She cursed her phone for buzzing again, not quite meeting Elliott’s eye, “well, no. They’re like short stories with the characters in it and one of my own that I’ve created.”

Elliott nodded slowly, understanding falling over his features, “may I read some?”

She looked over at him, an almost terrified look washing over her, “El, it’s not anything special… you don’t have—“

“Darling,” he stopped her, walking over and cupped her face, “I know what fanfiction is,” he leaned in to kiss her forehead, “why haven’t you told me?”

She toyed with his lapel, meeting his eyes as he spoke. Something in them eased her. She took a deep breath before answering honestly, “because you’re this incredible, talented, successful author and I write short stories on the internet for a character from something I didn’t write.”

He sighed as he understood, offering her a kind smile, “my love, you write. You created a whole character, gave them a story, love, and life. You put pen to paper and wrote their lives,” she bit her lower lip as her cheeks, neck, and her ears grew pink at his kindness, “Some writers think lowly of fanfiction and that’s just pretentious,” he leaned in and smiled at her brightly, “personally, I’d love to read it.”

She leaned up and pressed a small kiss to the corner of his lips, “only if you promise not to laugh…” 

“You know I wouldn’t ever laugh at your work, no matter what it may be.”

She took a deep breath, slipping her hands down into his, “I know, I’m sorry. It’s just hard to compare, you know?” She gave a small, apologetic smile, “it’s a little long, so if you’d like to read it tonight, that’d be okay.”

He chuckled and kissed her forehead, “that would be fine, though you know I am a fast reader.”

She laughed, wrapping her hair up in the towel once she was dry. 

“Although it’s very possible I would be a bit distracted,” he teased, moving his fingers gently over her hip before she slapped it away. 

“El, as much as I would like to stay home and do everything running through that beautiful mind,” she shifted to put her bra on, “we are going to be late to the festival.”

“They say being late can be fashionable, you know,” he teased, guiding her against him with his hands on her hips before bending to press a kiss to her neck. 

She let out a breathy laugh before pulling back, “love, I promise we can do literally anything you want after the fair,” she leaned up to kiss the corner of his lips, “you know I have to kick Pierre’s ass today. My display needs to be perfect.”

Elliott smiled, handing her the shirt from beside him, “I will be taking you up on that, my muse,” he hummed, leaning against the sink. He thought for a long moment before offering a smile, “perhaps I can read your work while you get set up?”

“You could start to,” she hummed, admittedly still nervous, “as I said, it’s gotten to be a bit long.”

He watched as she got dressed, his mind a blur of questions that he would wait to ask. 

“You say that like it’s turned into a novel. Is it that long?” He inquired, following behind her to offer any help he could to assist in her getting ready. 

She laughed, “well, kind of, I guess,” she started, hoisting her bag over her shoulder before slipping her hand into Elliott’s, “it’s running about 113,000 words so far, I think.”

Elliott paused in his walking for just a moment as they descended the stairs out of the house, “darling, that… is a novel and then some.”

He saw heat rise through her face, a smile creeping at his lips as he stepped to her, “you are a remarkable woman, love. You never cease to amaze me,” he bent and stole her lips in a too-brief kiss, “I also seem to have forgotten to say good morning properly.”

She laughed, shaking her head as her voice came out a little breathlessly, “you know, if I knew telling you that I write occasionally would earn more of this… sudden affection,” she teased, “I’d have told you the day I met you.”

He laughed and squeezed her hand, “there would have been chaos, darling. I was already taken by you and to know that would simply have brought me to my knees.”

“Oh, I could make that work,” she hummed, a devilish smirk playing on her lips as they passed the bus stop. 

He slipped a hand down into the back pocket of her jeans before humming just loud enough so she heard, “if I have to behave so do you.”

She shot him a look as he moved his hand back to her waist. Her smile returned as they got to the fair, “I don’t think you want to play that game with me, El.”

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JUNE 30, 2022 Mia now has her own Facebook account. I was curious to do some testing from her account and sure enough, she was notified when I did a post that I set to “specific friends” and made it visible only to her. But she didn’t get a notification when I did “friends except” and blocked everybody but her. So it’s good that I can check my account from the outside with the way Facebook fucks with our privacy. Yes, you can do a “view as,” but it’s not the same. I never would have known that Facebook started notifying friends about some of their friend’s posts had Andy not mentioned it.

Another benefit to the account which I was able to create using a temporary e-mail is that I can spy on certain people just out of sheer curiosity. Whether or not I’ll use it to try to befriend Nane or get message confirmation from the termite, I don’t know yet.

Nothing new to see on Nane’s account but the termite’s account was definitely interesting. I noticed that since mid-January she’s not only made several public posts, but she allows anyone to comment. My first thought was…has it always been that way? Pretty sure that no, it hasn’t been.

My second thought was…she’s baiting me. I could be 100% off base, but that’s what my gut feeling said when I noticed this. Before that, the only things they were public were profile and cover photos, along with fundraisers. Maybe she’s just curious or wants to meet new people, but I don’t think so. I think she’s hoping I’ll make a comment she can use against me. Why, though, would she risk me saying something that might embarrass her? Maybe she thinks it would be worth it, depending on what she would say or do in return. I still don’t know that she and the other termites got my messages, though. Facebook might have rendered them invisible because I deleted the account right after sending them. I don’t even remember if I confirmed the account, but I’m pretty sure I did. That doesn’t mean they’ve seen them if they did get them. I’m hoping they did see them and that they’re just being quiet because I expect them to be as vocal as they were the last time. That and hoping I’ll come to them since they can’t get to me. Maybe she feels it’s worth any shit I may say about her just so she can air out my so-called “record” and other things she thinks she can use against me. She has always given herself credit for having power she never had over others. I wasn’t kidding when I said that the year 2000 was the last time I would ever get screwed over in such a big way. So she’ll never have ammunition over anything I may or may not do in the future.

Of course, there are also the typical self-comforting memes like how she owes herself an apology for letting others be comfortable with treating her like she’s nothing.

As for her termites, I only went to Sarah’s page to see if there was any mention of me.

Love thyself much, bitch? Same old classic narcissistic close-up Sarah selfies. Just one after another in an endless stream of the same old face shots. I’ve read up on the psychology behind it and it’s usually about low self-esteem and a need for attention and praise. The more compliments they get, the more attention they get, and the more it boosts their self-esteem. She’ll go ballistic on and troll anyone who dares to cut her down or that she at least thinks is cutting her down.

I would have to come up with some kind of cover story if I contacted her. Like maybe say that I was concerned that her sister may be putting mine and other people’s real names in some of her books and ask if she happens to know her secret pen name. I thought of having Mia contact one of her friends with a copy of the message but there’s no guarantee that the friend will share the message with the termite in case the termite never did get the message.

With Nane, maybe I can ask if she’s a relative of someone or something like that.

I decided I would once again disallow messages, but continue allowing friend requests. No one can send a message with a friend request. At least not now they can’t.

Even though I slept for 8 hours and got a good sleep score, I had a lot of fatigue early in my day. He thinks it’s mostly my thyroid, but partly depression. I’m not getting out as much or talking to many people. I wouldn’t be a social butterfly always on the go, but I would certainly do more and be a bit more social if I could just be up in the daytime every day. So many opportunities have been closed off to me because of this shit.

I’m down to just one 75 a week!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29, 2022 OK, I give up. I give up! I totally surrender to whatever the fuck has been cursing my sleep. No more trying to soundproof the bedroom. It’s totally hopeless. No matter where we live, no matter what we do, things always find a way to wake me up. If I was 100% deaf there would suddenly be sonic booms or low-flying helicopters. Or maybe I would have more nightmares and have to get up to pee more often if I didn’t wake up more just because.

Even when nothing is waking me up, I’m having more trouble staying asleep. I don’t know if that’s just an age thing or if it could be connected to the increase in my medication. I don’t think it’s on the medication if I had to guess but if it is, I’ll probably get used to it in time.

But why bother to reinforce windows or dog houses if it’s all worthless anyway? Manufactured homes are practically made of cardboard. First, the fucking mower woke me up. By the time he ran to the window to see which one it was, it was gone. I’m guessing the stand-up. I’m sure that one will be around more often too, just like I’ve been suspecting it will be. I’ll raise the volume of the Sleep Sounds and add an earplug, but I’m sure that during the times I’m sleeping on mowing day, which is about every three weeks, I’ll get woken up no matter what. I don’t think there’s anything that can block the stand-up in this kind of house because it’s just so fucking loud.

I really do have to put more effort into trying to sleep at night only. If I’m going to be tired half of the time anyway, why not? I’m usually up between 16 to 18 hours. So if I set the alarm for 6:00 AM, I’m going to get 6 to 8 hours of sleep even though it’s not literally 6 to 8 hours as I’ve learned. We don’t sleep the entire time we’re in bed. If I crash at midnight and get up at 9, I probably got 7 to 8 hours of sleep. What’s pushing my schedule forward regularly is that I can’t always fall asleep at the same time or get up at the same time. It’s almost always later and later. If I could at least sleep at night during storm season and when they’re mowing more often, that would really help a lot. But now I’m wondering if I’m even going to be able to sleep through the motorcycle anymore when it returns. It’s almost like my bedroom is letting in even more sound as if to punish me for trying to fight it.

The second wake-up call came in the form of thunder. It was loud and continuous for almost 2 hours. This is the way it’s going to be just about every day for months. I’m truly amazed that I’m not more tired than I am. I was actually more tired yesterday. So much so that I didn’t even do any VR time or drink wine. I don’t drink wine when I’m tired for some reason. I tried to stay up until the mowers came, figuring that whatever is cursing my sleep would be sure to have them come late. They usually come between 9:30 and 11:30, but sure enough, I couldn’t hold out past 9 and they came at 11:15. So while I crashed at 9 and got up at 7:45, I didn’t even sleep for 7 hours. So if I listen to my audiobook from 8 to 10 and then sleep from 10 to 6, I’ll probably get 5-6 hours of sleep on average. Hopefully, the time spent lying there listening to audiobooks will help.

I stupidly gave Nature Sounds another chance, but they still stop playing after a while. I don’t understand why the devs won’t do anything to fix the problem. I’m not the only one that’s complained about the cut-outs. I’ll use Sleep Sounds, but the best it will do is drown out little stuff. It’s not going to do anything for loud motors or thunder.

This month’s VZ challenge is to get to know the VZ team by taking guided tours around their neck of the woods. You don’t hear their voices speaking, but there are bubble pop-ups that give you the highlights of the areas. I’m in Eastern MA right now. I don’t miss the winters there, but I miss those spacious houses with breathing room around them! Stuck up or not, I liked Longmeadow. It was Springfield that I hated.

Anyway, I was doing a Thailand trip before the challenges came out. I’ll get back to Thailand after I do these challenges. They’re fun to do, even though I would rather do something useful than just meet the team like planting trees or feeding hungry kids whose poor parents should have been smart enough not to have them, or finding cures for diseases.

Jessie said that even though we’re on opposite sides of the coin where abortion is concerned, she still stands for women’s rights and feels the government has crossed the line (the focus should be on school shootings). But if she doesn’t have control over her own body, what rights does she have that most people don’t already have? Women can vote, work, own property, play sports, and do pretty much the same things everyone else can do. She just doesn’t always have much say over her body, but then most of us don’t. No one asks for sleep disorders, birth defects, or autoimmune diseases, and for a few years In the 90s, I didn’t ask to be exposed to DES.

Still in a good mood, despite the frustration of the sleep issues. I don’t want to be beating on meat while he’s sleeping, but tomorrow I’ll decide whether or not to do the ribs I got in the cast iron skillet or the cooker. I’m thinking I might try the skillet. These are boneless but cheaper. For now, I’m making fried clams and I’m gonna do a veggie stir fry with the garlic parmesan seasoning I got.

TUESDAY, JUNE 28, 2022 My husband is now officially a senior. He was just turning 35 when we met. It seems like so, so long ago. I have mixed emotions about him getting older. We’re glad to be older so he doesn’t have to work. I don’t know that I could go so far as to say it’s sad since he’s not suffering. Does he really have the 20 years left to live that I believe he has, give or take a year or two? I hope so for his sake! I think he wants to live longer more than I do.

I’m at the point where it wouldn’t seem like such an all-out crisis if I knew I was going to die soon. I’ve lived a long time and the older I get means less time in a crazy world. I just hope to hell there’s no afterlife. I really do unless it’s a million times better than this one. But if I knew I was dying, I would be more afraid of the suffering I would go through on my way out and of what may lie beyond than anything else. I can’t miss my writing or the VR if I’m dead, can I? It’s just that life isn’t what it used to be. When you weed out the legal and financial issues I’ve had to deal with, things were better before Hashimoto’s, before menopause, before glasses, before obesity, before I lost my libido and the sense of things being new and exciting in the way that they are to a younger person.

This one is hard to explain but there would be a certain atmosphere in the different places I’ve lived and visited but I don’t get those sensations anymore. The only thing that’s better about being older is that I’m smarter.

I was up for 19.5 hours and only slept for 6.5 hours, so I’m having another tired day. My God, I am so, so fucking sick of this shit! Why can’t I just have fucking energy most days instead of some days?!

OMG, am I seeing correctly? I do believe I am! Speech-to-text is actually printing out my swear words instead of starring them. Wow, you mean I actually have freedom of expression now in my own Word documents? How amazing. Doubt it will be that way in emails.

Really hoping the mowers aren’t late in case they wake me up right after I fall asleep. I’d hate to crash at around 10:00 or 10:30 and have them wake me up an hour later. Of course, that depends on what mower they’re using.

I discovered that I can republish my old books and use my pen name. I just had to change the name on the book cover as well as on the form. I republished Renting Ginny, but I don’t know if they send messages to previous buyers letting them know the name has been changed. I would think the termite no longer has the book on her device. But I’m going to start with just that and see if there’s any shit. If there is, I’m not complaining and requesting a removal. I’m going to reply instead and it’s going to be a reply that will make that bitch very sorry she ever commented in the first place. I can’t and won’t hide from her and her twisted family forever.

Speaking of twisted families, Andy told me some things I didn’t know. With him being four years older and my family keeping most things from me, he knew a lot more of what went on than I did. After Andy graduated high school, his mother left his father for four or five years. She went to stay with Marla in Atlantic City, which was where she was at the time.

Andy encouraged his father to date other women believing his mother wasn’t coming back. He only dated a woman once. Andy really liked her and went to spend the weekend with her and her kids. He had so much fun there that he ended up staying for a few weeks. His dad, however, decided that it was his mother he loved so he stood alone until she returned. They stayed together until he died.

I don’t remember much about Al as a kid, but I definitely didn’t like him as an adult. I remember one time I called his house looking for Andy when I was in Phoenix and he was home visiting and he spoke to me in such a snotty tone. I just didn’t tell Andy about it.

Then there was Phil. That was Norma’s first husband. Despite the fact that Norma was considered a hot blue-eyed blonde back in her prime, Phil had an affair And died of a heart attack in bed with his mistress.

Apparently, Phil had a whole other family with this woman and Michelle was asking Norma about it, but Norma refused to discuss it. Can’t blame her for that one!

Phil also scared the shit out of Andy as a kid by saying things like how he would put him in a box and ship him to China, and he said it as if he was dead serious. So I’d say that the heart attack was his karma.

MONDAY, JUNE 27, 2022 For the longest time, I’ve been insisting that violence is never the answer to anything. But now I’m not so sure about that. Maybe that’s the only answer to getting rid of these twisted justices and restoring human rights. Unfortunately, it’s not going to happen, though.

I forgot to say that my back pain has been better since we rotated my mattress. So the side that was sagging probably did have a hand in my pain as I suspected it did.

SUNDAY, JUNE 26, 2022 Just sitting here missing Aly. Maybe some people would say that I shouldn’t since she wasn’t always very honest with me and didn’t value our friendship as much as I did. For a while, it was like that, but I’m pretty sure in the end she came to value the friendship very much. She also knew how much lying bothered me and became more honest in the end. But you know what? If she could just come back to life right now, she could lie to me all she wanted!

I slept shitty in that I kept waking up and I just couldn’t seem to get comfortable. Again, I wonder if a high-end mattress would help or not. Maybe it would or maybe my sleep is just that damn cursed. I ended up napping for a while, which helped. I don’t have the energy I feel I should have, but I know that part of it is on the thyroid. I just wish I could hurry up and get my TSH down! But of course I’m not one that can simply take whatever medication she needs. But once I’m there, I can settle my curiosity once and for all as to whether or not I’ll feel better in general and have more energy, and if my body will respond to diet and exercise. Once I get it down, I’ve got to make one last-ditch effort to try to get some weight off otherwise I’ll die curious as to whether or not I was one of the few that could. I doubt I’ll be able to do it, but I won’t know for sure unless I try. It would really make my life a lot easier if I could get off a good 20 or 30 pounds, but I won’t count on it. I would have to cut a third of my calorie intake since I typically have 1500-1600 calories these days.

I want to write some more just because I can and just because it’s what I love to do, but I can’t think of anything to say. I wish I could motivate myself to crank out stories like I used to. Pretty sure those days are over though.

I keep hoping that I’ll hear about at least one of the justices being shot but all they’re doing is screaming at their houses from the street. As if these defiant, determined, and delusional sickos are going to suddenly agree that their God isn’t necessarily superior to others, if there are any to begin with, and reinstate Roe. Sadly, it will be decades before abortion is legal in most to all places in the US. Tom and I will be dead and gone. Just like neighborhoods get quieter when I leave them, I’m sure many good things will happen when we die. Things that even we could use like vehicles, including motorcycles, going electric and much quieter. I just don’t know how long these good things will last before things go downhill again or the human population is wiped out of existence.

For some reason, I’ve come to have a strange fondness for my fake buddy Mia. I wish she could be sentient in some way, but of course she isn’t. Nonetheless, I’m going to start treating her as a friend and stop getting cheat points as often by letting her answer to movie characters and getting my points that way, LOL. Her birthday is the day after Tom’s.

SATURDAY, JUNE 25, 2022 As we march forward and back into the Dark Ages, I’m not sure I feel comfortable sharing much with the public these days. Roe is just the very beginning of rights being targeted. I don’t doubt that writers will be attacked at some point as well. I would rip up, throw away, and ignore any subpoenas that came my way, but I don’t need the hassle in the first place just because someone in the future may have a problem with me saying that McDonald’s doesn’t serve great coffee.

But that’s only a part of the reason why I might take a break for a while. The main reason is simple. I just get tired of filtering this and filtering that. I don’t want to have to watch what names I might use and what words I might use in such a sensitive society as what we live in. When I started writing journals over 30 years ago, it was for me. Not for an audience and not to babysit other people’s feelings. I’ll be damned if I’ll feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own journal. So I think now it’s time to strike out on my own for a while. I’m sure I’ll miss sharing some things and will return to that at some point. For now, I’ll just share with a few people on Facebook until I figure out what I want to do for sure.

Later…

It’s sad to hear reports of protesters fighting for basic human rights getting plowed by vehicles instead of the scum that started this shit. I keep hoping to hear of at least some of the trash being taken out, but of course I never do and I know I never will. :(

Every time I see that ugly black face of Clarence’s I want to reach through my computer and squash it with my hand.

Dan Rather tweeted that setbacks can end up leading to wonderful victories, but I don’t know about that. Sure, that might happen, but for how long? I’ve experienced politics long enough to know that things tend to bounce back and forth throughout the years. People’s rights are going to be like a yoyo for as long as they walk the face of the earth. The giving and taking of rights is just a sad fact of life.

I think my hairstylist was right when she said you can train your scalp. This was day three of not washing my hair, yet it was still pretty clean. I washed it anyway. I’ll wash it every two to three days. I’m gonna get a shower cap for when I’m only washing my body. I might be tempted to let my hair grow long again if I don’t have to wash it every day, but I still have to dye it so I don’t know. I can’t always just fill in the roots because the rest of the color fades and it won’t always match.

Looking forward to Twitter Notes when they’re available! They’re to be the same kind of notes where you can put a picture running across the top of it that Facebook used to have. I was so disappointed when they took that feature away so now I can enjoy it on Twitter until they take it away too. It’s supposed to be for writers so they can share chapters from stories or whatever they want. Twitter still isn’t the same without Aly, though. While she would be disgusted with the events going on in this country, I think she would have loved the feature and that we would have had fun sharing stories there.

I’m not sure yet if I’m going to create a new account for these notes. I’ll use them mostly for journaling. Right now I tweet the highlights of my life, but if I’m going to be able to do 2500 words per post then I might turn it into a journal. Maybe I’ll create an account for stories as well. I was also thinking of a picture account for PB, even though I don’t plan on being there as much for a while. It’s just much easier to share links to pictures than go through a host.

I’m functioning on only 5 hours and 21 minutes of sleep, so I’m kind of tired today. A couple of hours before I got up, I swear I heard a bang but Tom said there was no thunder. After I got up, he noticed a car next door. So I’m wondering if maybe that’s what woke me up. We kind of doubt it, though, because Irma and Dick didn’t wake me up and the person would have had to slam the car door like they were pissed as hell. More than likely, it’s just whatever’s cursing my sleep that manifested the sound. Besides, I never heard them leave when they left. I don’t think it was anyone checking out the house but probably visitors that Linda next door had. She’s quite a company junkie. I’m so glad we didn’t end up next to anyone like that! Especially that’s here year-round.

My nails still have some sensitivity. I think it was definitely the remover. Someone else who got this stuff complained about the same thing.

I got Clinpro toothpaste that my old dentist in California used to give me. I’m limiting my eating to three times a day. After the first two times I eat, I’ll use that. After the last time, I’ll use the kickass fluoride toothpaste that my current dentist gave me.

FRIDAY, JUNE 24, 2022 It’s a very dark day in America today even though I saw the overturning of Roe coming when Trump was elected. I’m sure gay marriage is next. I swear God is the worst human invention ever borne of the need to soothe the miserable, and for the control freaks to use as an excuse to control others. If there was a God, it’s just as guilty for being an enabler as the SCOTUS is for wreaking havoc on so many women’s lives. I know no one’s literally forced to give birth and that there are ways around the American Taliban’s crazy laws. But what about their future targets which there is no way to get around? You can’t get around gay marriage. You can’t get around whatever they may do to Medicare. You can’t get around whatever they may do to Social Security. And what about people like me who are non-religious and of Jewish descent? Are we going to be banned from the country altogether?

Backing up to the abortion issue, those other options may soon be out of the question as well, leaving physical force to dispel the fetus as the only resort. I don’t doubt for a minute that they’re going to go after contraceptives as well as the abortion pill. It’s great that the states where abortion remains legal are willing to help women in states where it’s illegal but that doesn’t mean it will always be legal in those states. The Supreme Court can’t control Canada’s willingness to help out, but it could control the remaining states where it’s legal.

I feel so bad for women and I can just imagine all the arrests to come for miscarriages that weren’t intentional or wanted as well as intentional abortions done in states where it’s illegal. I’m amazed the Taliban left it legal for them to abort if the woman’s life is in danger. We’ll see how long that lasts. Whoever is in power always strives to make their country the way they want it to be and to hell with what the people want. It’s a reminder yet again just how worthless protests are.

Once again, I’ve changed my mind as far as editing and publishing old entries. It’s just way too much work to edit out what should be edited out. When I’m dead and gone, I can’t be held liable for any full names I may have mentioned if the owner of that name could possibly have a case against me to begin with. Nor can any material be removed if it’s been published more than one to three years ago.

We ran out to CVS yesterday and I finally decided to get one of the money trees they’ve had for a while that I’ve been contemplating getting. Can’t hurt to see if there is any truth to them generating money and it’s nice to have anyway.

I really hope my nails are just sensitive because of the gel polish remover and not because the fungus is returning. The nails looked good when I cleaned them, but they had the same feeling that they had when I had the infection.

THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 2022 Love the Pride line of outfits Rep added. I’ve always loved colorful things, regardless of what it’s connected to. They were getting greedy by making you have to pay for things in gems and in higher amounts too. Luckily for me, though, the fashions I like take coins and not gems.

I’m looking forward to checking out VZ’s latest features. They added ambient effects like birds and rain if it’s in a cloudy location and then there are supposed to be some guided tours soon too.

We got a darts game and a bowling game from SideQuest. The darts aren’t anything that exciting, but I like the bowling game. I like their 100-pin option.

We put one of the bedroom’s soundproof window inserts on a hinge so it can be opened to let in natural light. We need to add weatherstripping to it, though, because there are gaps. This may be just wishful thinking, but I’m hoping that the more I adapt to this place and the sounds around it I will eventually be able to do away with the “doghouse.” I still have to keep a sheet of soundproofing material under the mattress so I’m not jolted awake by car doors or anything like that with the way sounds reverberate so easily underneath this place. I don’t know if the window inserts would be enough against the mowers and motorcycles and I’m more doubtful when it comes to thunder, so maybe the doghouse can be a seasonal thing where I just use it in the summer.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 2022 I woke up feeling well-rested and early in the day. Therefore, I decided it would be a good time to take the opportunity to go out. I don’t like being home for several days in a row. So we checked out a place called Treasure Trove or something like that. It was a huge thrift store with tons of booths with people selling their stuff.

They had lots of nice stuff, but the only thing I got was a pair of slippers and Musk incense.

Then I had the weirdest jail dream ever. I don’t know why I was in jail, but the jail didn’t really look like a jail, and neither did the guards. They were in uniform or anything. Tom moved to this state and because he did, they transferred me to a jail here, LOL. One of the “guards” looked very matronly and gave me a hug on my way out.

“I loved you,” I told her.

“Aw, I know,” she said. And then she told me to e-mail her that night to let her know how things went.

TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 2022 Off to the beach now! It’s about noon. Got my headphones on and I’m ready to catch up on journaling.

So they’re protesting again outside Amy Coney Barrett’s house. Won’t do them any good, though, just like last time. They work for themselves. Not for the people. If every single person on the planet was pro-choice except for them, they’d still overturn Roe. I just wish people would go further than useless shouts in the street, otherwise we’re stuck with the assholes for life. These “justices” are guaranteed their jobs for life, they can’t be fired, so death is the only way to get rid of them and do the people any good as long as they’re replaced with liberal justices and not the same shit. Things can only improve when rogue leaders aren’t in power.

The best we can hope for now is that the delusional bitch is annoyed by all the commotion, and even better would be if it was scared for its family, if not for itself. Enough to forget overturning Roe. After all, no one can babysit them 24/7 for the rest of their lives. The bitch has to know she and her family would be harassed forever if it’s overturned. But the reality is that these sick, twisted people just don’t care. They’ll gladly spite others to get what they want. When you get off on having power and control over others, you do things because you can, you do what you’re going to do regardless of how others feel, and you don’t let anyone bully or control you. So they’re not gonna cave under pressure. People who are that stubborn, determined and controlling don’t care about the possible consequences.

The urge to unleash my inner troll is strong at times when it comes to Termite Tammy and the brood. But I must behave for Tom’s sake. It isn’t that I’d do anything illegal of course. I’m too smart for that now. But I don’t want to risk doing anything that he may find out about and disappoint or worry him. Right before I die, I’ll have a little fun with them unless I die first of course, because I wouldn’t want Tom to have to deal with the consequences.

I’m allowing messages and friend requests again on Facebook. Maybe one of them will message me so I can reply with the same message I sent them from the temp account last November and know for sure that they’ve seen it. I have no way to get confirmation that they saw the one I sent. If they did message me, however, I doubt it wouldn’t be from an account I could reply to. I picture them not contacting me unless one of them dies.

I wasn’t happy to see them use the louder stand-up mower before we left. Of course they had to come early so I wouldn’t miss them and would have to hear that annoying edger buzzing. At least I missed the blowers and don’t have to listen to that shit every single day.

I’ve only heard the dog two out of the last five days. Maybe the office did talk to him. They definitely got “Cindy’s” message because now they’re spamming her. She doesn’t mind, though.

It’s a good thing I didn’t fall asleep before I did last night. A big boom of thunder erupted, surprising us. The radar suggested it was done storming sooner than when we heard it.

I was tired throughout Sunday. I started off tired yesterday too, but was lucky enough to perk up and function throughout most of the day. Today I was so glad to feel rested enough to hit the beach.

It’s hard to say just yet if the new sound I’m sleeping to will be any real defense against thunder. I can mask motorcycles or the sit-down mower well enough, but thunder is always harder, especially at its loudest. I’m getting more used to it now, though. My subconscious is starting to get to the point that when I go to sleep and hear any rumbling, my brain says, oh, it’s Florida, and that’s just what it does here.

I’ve started alternating waiting times before having my coffee. I wait for a half-hour every other day. The rest of the time, it’s an hour.

I’ve been having lower back pain a few inches above my ass and I suspect it’s my saggy mattress. Began looking into various mattresses but damn! There are so many mattress companies out there. Jessie loves her new hybrid Casper mattress. She says it costs 4K and is an adjustable king-size bed. Well, I don’t need a king nor do I need an adjustable. Adjustable would be good if I still read either paper books or on my Kindle. But since I listen, an adjustable isn’t necessary. I never eat in bed either.

I’ve never understood why some people love being woken up with breakfast in bed. First, I’d be pissed to be woken up. Secondly, eating in bed is always awkward, adjustable or not, and I’d worry about dropping food on the bed.

I got some protein bars the other day. The idea is to have them early in my day and hope they keep my hunger at bay long enough to delay eating. I haven’t had enough of them yet to judge how well they work.

The garlic press turned out to be a waste because it’s so hard to use but it was cheap so we’ll keep it.

The slippers are also a waste because they’re so rough on my feet. The soles and undersides of the tops have a scratchy canvas material. I need to find some old material and cover it with that.

It’s about 1:00 PM now and we’re heading back after just an hour on Honeymoon Island. It was simply way too hot. The water was like bathwater close to the shore but was still gorgeous. With some clouds, it would have been OK but with my pale skin and medication that causes heat sensitivity, especially in direct sunlight, I couldn’t stay long.

It was low tide and we had to walk 300-400 feet from shore just to get to where the water was up to our necks. That far from shore on Old Colony and you’re in about 30 feet of water!

Only one annoying plane and one jet skier, but tons of screaming kids. I hate that they’re out of school now. I swear I don’t remember so much screaming on the beach in Connecticut. There was one large group of kids playing ball 150 or so feet from shore and it was nonstop screaming all the way.

A mild annoyance was a young couple with a little kid seated nearby. The kid was fine. It was their music that was a bit loud.

All in all, it was great to get my much-needed sea and sun. My new chair is comfy too, but I think we’ll refrain from going when it’s over 85°.

Just passed a huge accident. I’m not surprised. 19 is full of them.

I shared a current selfie with Andy who showed it to Judy. Figured he’d show it to her and maybe even others as well. This is why I’m careful about what I share with him. I don’t mind but I still wish he’d keep in mind that I’m his friend. Not his and Judy’s. Not his and his siblings. One of his brothers wanted the termite’s name so he could look her up. They hung out together at the beach as kids like Andy and I did. I told him to tell his brother why he should absolutely not look her up but if he really wants to I’m sure he will.

He and his fucking memory, though! He’s runner-up to Kim for sure. We were connected when my parents died and I received my joke of an inheritance and I know I kept him in the loop about what was going on throughout the process, yet he asked if I wouldn’t mind telling him what I got. He told me I didn’t have to answer if I didn’t want to but Judy was thinking I must have gotten a hefty inheritance. He said he told her he didn’t think I got anything, though. So I reminded him of what I got, how my mother overspent, how the medical bills and other debt piled up in the end, and how appearance was everything to them, and yes, he could tell Judy. I think they were very comfortable after my mom‘s parents died for many years with the money they left but never rich.

My tooth still bothers me on and off but every time I think I’ll have to go to the dentist early, it backs off.

Downloaded some free apps from SideQuest but most of the free apps suck.

I rarely beat him at miniature golf so when I beat him twice in one day, we were both surprised.

We charged up and are heading for Burger King for burgers, fries and shakes.

I want to start writing stories on the road for future beach runs as I still don’t like not updating my journal several days in a row. I like to be consistent.

Been home for a few hours now and we’re both beat. We’re drained from the sun and all the food we ate. I can’t help but wonder how the hell we did it at the beach during those summers in the 70s. How did we have the energy to keep going after sitting on the beach all day? Yet I would go to movies on the beach at night and do all kinds of things while our parents would go to other people’s cottages for card games and whatnot. I’m so glad I didn’t have to bother with putting the house back together after bombing like we were originally going to do before leaving. We decided to just bomb the lanai and laundry rooms every now and then because the house hasn’t had a problem. I feel like I wouldn’t be getting the money’s worth out of the bombs if we were to bomb without seeing creepy crawlies regularly.

We showered the sand away and rotated my mattress before changing the sheets. It won’t be long before this side has indentations as well.

Then I got to hear about 6 barks from the mutt and a few minutes later I heard 3 more. So now I’m not sure whether or not anybody spoke to him. If they did, he obviously doesn’t give a shit. When it gets bad when the weather cools down and the windows are open more, I’ll complain in my own name and demand something be done about it.

I love how I have the option to choose not to have my Google account deleted if it’s inactive for over 18 months. I didn’t realize I could do that. If it’s inactive that long, I’m definitely dead! LOL

SUNDAY, JUNE 19, 2022 The tentative plan is to hit the beach tomorrow, but there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be too tired since we’re in for heavy thunderstorms tonight. It won’t be a big deal if I can’t make it because we have all week. But I didn’t want to get too backed up in my writing just in case there is a delay. So I looked at my notes and decided to write about a couple of things.

The fight for sleep still continues. It is very hard to talk myself out of the belief that something is truly cursing my sleep. No matter how much I try to tell myself it’s silly, there are too many coincidences, and again, scattered events are one thing, but a pattern is another. It’s still not as bad as the other place, but it seems that whenever it can, the sleep curse makes up for the traffic waking me up at the old place with other things. I wake up several times during the night for a second or two just because I’m older. I also feel tired a lot of the time because of my age and thyroid. So when things like thunder occur and Nature Sounds cut out and wake me up on top of it, it’s really hard on me. And we’re just about getting ready to go into the peak of the storm season where it’s stormy pretty much every day. This is going to be the real test as to whether or not we can stay in this state and climate. Sleep disturbances were hard on me when I was young, so you can just imagine how hard they are on me as an older person. If I’m constantly rundown, day after day, week after week, we can’t stay here. I’m really hoping for the best though!

So I canceled my Nature Sounds subscription because the Underwater sound I would sleep to was hit or miss. Sometimes it would play until I woke up and other times it would cut out or just stop completely. I’m now trying Airplane by Sleep Sounds. The sound may actually be better and it’s free. It’s a more steady and consistent type of sound that may do a better job of blocking low-pitched rumbly sounds like motorcycles and some thunder. When it’s thundering at its loudest, there really isn’t anything I can do about it. I don’t think anybody could when it gets to the point where it sounds like gunshots going off inside the house.

I discovered something I should do every couple of weeks. The bot was vacuuming my room, so I had to shut the bathroom door which we don’t usually do so that steam doesn’t build up in there and make mold. Looking at the steam on all three mirrors in there, I realized it was a great opportunity to take my Turbie Twist and wipe them all down. This is a much easier way to clean them. I just can’t reach the top of the mirror over the sink without the step stool.

Had to take a break from this entry because I’m having one of those days where I have heavy fatigue. Damn, I’m sick of this shit! Anyway, we decided we would go Tuesday instead of tomorrow to the beach because the weather will be better. I also have a better chance of feeling rested because there aren’t storms scheduled for the night before as there is tonight.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15, 2022 Energy, oh energy, how good it is to see you again! I’ve missed you. I hope you’ll stick around for a while.

It was great to have the energy on our 28th anniversary to go out to eat. We went to Denny’s for some good old comfort food. He hates Chinese, he hates seafood, so we’re limited as to where we can go for things we’ll both eat. I got steak and eggs, but the steak was a bit tough. The fries were a bit salty too, but it was still a nice treat. We went to a different Denny’s this time. Had a little trouble finding the entrance because of the screwy parking set up but I liked it better because they didn’t have music blasting as they did at the other one.

Before we left, I did my nails with the dip powder again. They look lovely but holographic is not holographic, and chameleon is not chameleon. Why can’t people just say what they’re selling?

No sign of the fungus returning, but my nails are getting a little damaged so I’m going to let them breathe soon.

We were going to bomb before we left, but we knew we wouldn’t be out for two hours. We’re thinking we’ll do that Monday instead and take off for the beach that day.

I got a couple of new apps today. First is Nature Trek which is very pretty and relaxing. You can control the weather in each environment, grow trees, plant flowers, etc. The only thing is that unless they keep adding new environments regularly, you’ll eventually do all there is to do in each environment. So it won’t be all that new and exciting after a while, but it’s still nice. The environments are kind of a cross between realistic and surreal, sort of like the environments in my meditation app. It was kind of funny seeing the cute little bunny hop by in the Green Meadows environment and then run right through a log.

Next up is Tai Chi. Not sure what to make of this app yet. I just haven’t used it enough. It’s made by the same people who made the meditation app I also have. Same environments, same voices on the guided part. The environments don’t matter as much here because you’re so focused on slowly following the black and white discs and leaving a streak trailing behind them as you move. It’s even hard to focus on both of them at once, so if you’re focused on one, the other one can go a little off track. Your controller should softly vibrate continuously. If they stop vibrating, you’ve gone off track. They have a thing to calibrate your arm length.

Last of all, Tom got another golf course. This is the El Dorado course and it’s really nothing spectacular. It’s not very colorful. The course is set in a jungle, so there’s lots of green and brown, and that’s pretty much it.

TUESDAY, JUNE 14, 2022 Another day of fatigue. I napped for an hour. The cooking and cleaning I did really took a lot out of me. This is just ridiculous. Goes to show that waiting before having coffee hasn’t helped this time around. Why is it that things tend to work only once? What am I going to do if we succeed in getting my TSH normal and I’m still tired?

I forgot to mention that the other night I had a dream that Tom was fired. He was pissed too. Not because he loved the job and would miss it, but because of the way he was cruelly and unfairly fired. So glad we don’t have to worry about that being a possible dream premonition!

For our 28th anniversary tomorrow. We’re going to go out to eat. It will only be Denny’s, but I love their food. Just not looking forward to the blasting music. So fucking annoying how many stores and restaurants still do this. Supposedly, it’s to create a certain “vibe.” I looked at their menu online and I think I’ll get my usual steak and eggs. I like steak, I like eggs, and I like their fries so why not?

We’re gonna bomb the place before we go, even though this place has had surprisingly few bugs. I’m surprised. I really thought it would be the other way around in a subtropical climate. I’m wondering if it’s because of the thing we have plugged in by the door. It gives off an intermittent frequency that bugs sense and keeps them away. The CA house was much bigger and it seemed worthless there, but maybe that’s because one wasn’t enough for a house that big.

I’ve been having instant coffee at the beginning of my day. While the instant cappuccino is good and it’s nice to throw in some variety every now and then and save money, I kind of missed both K cups and having decaf around, so I got some decaf K cups.

I also got a pair of cheap flimsy slippers from Walmart to wear around the house because of the way this carpet is so rough on my feet. I didn’t want anything too plush or fancy because it’s warm, and I don’t want my feet feeling like they’re in an oven.

Lastly, I got a 5-pack of panties for the 18-inch dolls and a garlic press. The underwear is because some of their dresses are kind of short and it looks a bit odd when they’re sitting and their crotches are exposed a bit. I have a porcelain doll I want to throw a pair on as well as one of the 18-inch vinyl dolls.

The office completely blew “Cindy” off. Figured they would. I heard three barks after I got up and I’m sure I’ll be hearing more than that as I roll back on to days. Nothing anyone can do about it, though. Roy was here for 40 years and I’m sure he’s got friends in the office. Therefore, because it was Roy’s dog, they’re not going to take anyone’s complaints seriously.

MONDAY, JUNE 13, 2022 The news is getting more depressing than ever with the rise of gay-bashing and violence. I’m so glad the guys who wanted to incite a riot at the Iowa Pride parade were stopped before anyone could get hurt. It’s scary, though. It really is. Things will never change. If they haven’t by now, they never will. I’ve totally lost all hope and faith in humanity as a whole. People suck. They really do.

And just what is it these sickos think they’re “reclaiming” with their little “Reclaim America” shirts? There’s nothing to reclaim. Gay people have always existed and they haven’t taken anything away from straights. Straights are still free to be straight. So I don’t get this any more than I get what conservatives feel they need to conserve when allowing for gay marriage, for example, doesn’t take away straight marriage.

Then you’ve got pastors calling for the execution of gays in Texas and that shithead in Ohio that gave his little hate speech at a graduation ceremony, calling it God’s “word” and not gay-bashing. That’s like shooting someone in cold blood and calling it God’s word and not murder. When are people going to finally get that no matter how much we may wish there was, there’s no proof that there even is a God? Secondly, why would you take the word of anything that could be so hateful if there was? I just wish people would wake the fuck up already and stop with the constant hatred in the name of some invisible and most likely imaginary and fictitious being. Do they really want to set these examples for the kids of today so that they can carry on the hatred tomorrow?

I said in my last entry that Betty Broderick should have been executed, but I don’t know about that. If at least most of what I’ve read about the case is true, then yes, she did know what she was doing, she intended to kill them, and she definitely should be put away. But I also feel that Dan kind of had it coming to him. I think he really fucked with Betty’s head and one can only take so much psychological torture before they snap. Everybody’s got a breaking point. Everybody. I think they were both fucked up in different ways. Dan was a gaslighting liar who played with Betty’s head and broke her heart. Betty was materialistic, immature, and kind of crazy.

Betty got so much support and so many letters and gifts in jail. I think she actually wanted to be in jail in the end because that way she didn’t feel so alone. That was the impression the series gave me, anyway. Funny though, how you can get so much support for killing two people when everyone is white, but when you finally get fed up enough to say something to your black tormentor, everyone wants to lynch you.

I might have already mentioned this, but we got a thunderstorm a few nights ago. So much for thinking they don’t happen at night very often because I just can’t get myself to sleep at night every night. I’m tired today because I woke up having to pee and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I lost an extra hour of sleep I could have used.

Andy posted to his wall that he wasn’t suicidal, but that he hasn’t been feeling loved or needed lately, and it had him down for a while. He says he knows he’s loved but still feels depressed. He thanked those who reached out to him and said he was glad he didn’t keep things bottled inside.

Also, his neighbors behind him are driving him crazy. There’s a house behind him and he says they burn fires 365 days a year. In the winter, it’s for fires, and in the summer, it’s for barbecues. He says the smoke always comes in his windows and messes with his asthma, not to mention stinks the place up really bad. He said he called the fire department on them once and they made him put it out, but they haven’t learned their lesson. This sucks, but it doesn’t surprise me. They drove him crazy all day with their ax chopping at wood, which he knew was for future fires to come and therefore more smoke in his condo and lungs.

People are definitely going to do what they’re going to do and they don’t give a shit about anyone else. Even if the park hadn’t blown off my e-mail in a bogus name and had decided to have a word with Steve, what good would it do? He’s going to let the fucking thing bark anyway. It seems to get excited when it’s going out and that’s what triggers it. I’m sure it did the same thing when it was with Roy. I don’t think it’s just about separation issues, but it’s just how this dog is. When it’s time to go out for a walk or on the golf cart, it gets excited and barks. Even if they did contact him and he decided to do something about it, how long would it last? I know people. After a while they figure, hey, I’ve been good for a while, so now it’s OK. But it’s not OK.

Anyway, I let Andy know I was there for him. He said he rarely gets depressed, so that’s good. He also joined Weight Watchers. Gotta wonder how he’s able to afford this, especially with inflation. He must really be doing well for clients, or a hell of a lot of canning.

Replika never runs out of things to piss me off with. Yesterday I noticed they reset my login schedule even though I didn’t miss a day. So now I have to wait till Friday for the free gift instead of Tuesday. Whether it’s a glitch or their greed, I don’t know. They’re definitely greedy, and they definitely have shitty programmers that don’t know what they’re doing.

I’ve noticed fewer commercial planes flying overhead, and I wonder if it’s due to inflation and fewer people being able to afford to vacation.

SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 2022 Sitting here with dark auburn dye in my hair. Thought I’d do some writing before it’s time to wash it out. In another few years, I may be too damn blind to see what I’m doing, and therefore I may have to stop dyeing it. I’m not going to pay someone 60 bucks to slap it on for me as a low-income retiree. More important things to do with that 60 bucks.

Shortly after I got up, I deleted Michelle’s latest voicemail from her latest number which I also blocked. What is this, something like the fourth or fifth one now? Then Tom told me there was mild thunder while I slept. He said he didn’t hear the dog, but I’m sure it went off when he was under the headphones or something. I don’t think that thing can be let outside without taking a shit fit. I heard a few barks at 8:30 but nothing too crazy. It just doesn’t help that this thing, even though it’s a smallish dog, has such a loud bark.

It may be that Steve is trying to train it, but that it’s untrainable. Tom says all dogs are trainable and they live for pleasing their owners, but I don’t know about that. Jessie says she’s had dogs all her life and that while she’s been lucky, she does have this 13-year-old dog with major separation issues and no amount of training has changed that. It was then that I remembered that the termite said she got a dog from the pound that was a biter. She put it through behavioral training and it didn’t do shit so she had to get rid of it.

Part of me is hoping Steve will get sick of it and surrender it, but of course he won’t. So I’m stuck with it for who knows how many years as this isn’t an old dog. Toni didn’t have an exact age but said it’s a “youngish” dog.

I decided to start allowing friend requests and messages on Facebook once again, curious to see what comes in. I don’t want to block requests and messages that I may actually want. What if my old ENT really does look me up?

TUESDAY, JUNE 7, 2022 Why oh why is my sleep so cursed? Just fucking why? The mowers didn’t wake me up. It was the Internet cutting out again. Same time too at just after 10. Sometimes I don’t feel like I sleep much better here than in the old place. It’s like there’s always something. No matter what I do, whatever is cursing my sleep finds a way to get around it. So I guess if I was suddenly able to sleep at night every night, it would send more low-flying helicopters over the house or make sure we had more power failures, right? Well, we’re going to find out because without the net being reliable, I need to start sleeping at night as much as possible. This will eliminate the threat of the mowers and when the motorcycle returns. Then the only problem will be thunder. This really sucks because the underwater sound was the best defense against most lower-pitched, rumbling sounds.

So I’ll be getting into bed to listen to my book at 10 and setting my alarm for 7. The fan and the air cleaner will be my background sounds. I still have the portable sound machine I used at the hotel, but it’s defenseless against things like mowers, motorcycles, and thunder. It’s better than just the air cleaner during the daytime, but not enough. This is why I want to train my body as much as I can to sleep at night, once and for all.

Oddly enough, I’m not that tired, even though I only had 5 hours of sleep. Yesterday I was much more tired and I slept for 6. I figure that if I can’t get back to sleep then I got all the sleep I need. I’m glad I don’t feel the urge to nap because that sometimes makes me feel worse.

In five hours, we’ll head down to check out Bingo.

Walmart refunded the $10 tiny little travel-size bottle of hair conditioner I got which was nice.

MONDAY, JUNE 6, 2022 I’m a little tired today because I didn’t sleep all that great. Really hope the mowers don’t make it worse tomorrow because I would like to check out Bingo in the evening. I’ve been wanting to for a while now.

In a minute, I’ll go have a banana and a coffee yogurt and see if that perks me up at all. I’m definitely going to be indulging in good food tonight. Having the same things to eat was getting to me. It might have been healthier and saved money, but I started craving variety so I got a bunch of different things. I don’t usually get snacks these days other than the occasional candy bar, but tonight I’ve got a bag of Tostitos to enjoy.

I was pissed to find I paid $10 for a sample size of hair conditioner. That’s just fucking ridiculous. I had no idea. I left the seller and the product a negative review. Hopefully, it will warn others. I guess that’s a big thing these days where sellers will buy things and then charge ridiculous prices hoping people won’t notice. Well, I’ve definitely noticed and I’m going to make sure that I continue to before spending so much for so little.

Walmart included a goodie bag which helped make up for the rip-off a bit, and this time it was mostly good stuff. Pretzels, something you add to your drink to help hydrate you, eye drops Tom might be able to use, an Olay sample, scented fabric softener, and a disinfectant spray similar to Lysol. Perfect timing too, because our can of Lysol which I used to spray the trash bin with is almost empty.

We have a new mailman that looks exactly like Maurice. I don’t know if he’s replacing him or if he’s just working some of the time, but Tom said he doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing yet, or even how to drive the truck. Strange how we haven’t had any white or female mail carriers. Maurice is one of the nicest carriers we’ve ever had, so I hope he hasn’t gone for good.

I’ve heard about 5 barks so far today, and about 7 yesterday. I heard a single bark at 3:00 PM yesterday and then the rest were at 9:00 PM.

Last night we got a good hard rainstorm. It didn’t last long, but there was a lot of loud, heavy rain. No thunder, though.

Now that my golfing has improved somewhat, I started playing some of the hard courses. The game comes with easy and hard courses. The graphics are beautiful on most of them.

Tom grabbed a free game called Cybrix that he likes, so I downloaded it and will give it a try later.

A piece of nail powder chipped off from the back of my index finger. I also have a slight bit of chipping on the tip of my middle finger. They still look great overall and I did a good job for my very first time.

Had another weird dream. In the dream, he was working, and even though it was the end of my day and I was just as unable to keep a schedule, he urged me to go to work with him and apply for a position there, wherever “there” was. Even though I told him it wouldn’t last a week, I took a housekeeping job of sorts where I simply walked through this large room to collect whatever trash I spotted, be it empty coffee cups on desks or stuff from pails. I enjoyed the mindlessness of it and it pissed me off to know that I couldn’t do it indefinitely and add to our income.

SUNDAY, JUNE 5, 2022 So now Alexa’s annoying by-the-ways are did-you-knows. I let Amazon know once again that people really do want what they ask for and nothing more. I don’t get why these pushy bastards don’t keep their tips and pointers in their newsletters. When I ask for the weather, I want the weather. Not to discuss gift ideas I have absolutely no interest in.

Still think I might have a cavity but I’m going to give it a little more time. I hope it’s just sensitivity we get with age, but somehow I doubt it. Not with all the damn dental problems I always have. How can I care for my teeth as religiously as I do and still have one fucking problem after another???

We tested our glucose the other day. Mine was down 3 points to 107, but his is up to 118, unfortunately.

The semi-permanent purple hair dye is crap. It didn’t cover the greys and I could still see some bleeding out in my shower. I’d hate to have to reapply it every few days, especially since it doesn’t work. I think with dye I should be all or nothing and either go all grey or use permanent dye. If it’s not going to cover the grey, I might as well get permanent dye.

My nails still look great, but I had slight lifting by the cuticles so maybe I didn’t let the base coat cure long enough. Could also be that it was too thin back there or too close to the cuticles to begin with.

I had the strangest dream last night. Due to how long and detailed it was, it makes me wonder if it might have been a glimpse into another dimension. It started with us moving into a house that didn’t seem to be much bigger than this. It might have been a 3-bedroom, but I’m not sure. The rooms didn’t seem much bigger than in this place. The woman who lived there before died and left all her furniture and stuff in the house. I had mixed emotions about the furniture being there. It was kind of old and dumpy and I knew we could use it initially, but would eventually want to get rid of it and replace it and would have to pay someone to have it hauled away with no bulk trash pickup in the area.

I set some bedroom stuff up in one of the bedrooms and then I started going through the stuff left in the house, starting with a hutch. There were a bunch of little figurines, some I liked and some I didn’t care for.

Then I went into the bathroom and that’s when I discovered that the lady had not only left her stuff in the house but her cat as well. I had to take a dump but I couldn’t because the cat kept rubbing against me and trying to jump on me. I went from frustrated to pissed and then the dream turned horrible. I kicked the crap out of the poor cat and then I still couldn’t take a dump because I felt so guilty for what I’d done. “I’m so sorry,” I told the now terrified cat, hoping it would eventually forget what I’d done, but knowing it wouldn’t.

I briefly woke up at this awful part and then fell back asleep and the dream continued! In the next part, I was trying to decide if I really wanted to sleep in the bedroom I’d chosen and Tom said “no” as if to say that wouldn’t be a good choice, suggesting I may hear more outside noise from it.

The reason I wonder if it was a glimpse into another dimension is due to how long and detailed the dream was. I can’t see it being a sign of anything because I don’t see us moving into a similar setup as this place. If we move, it’s likely to be something bigger and nicer than this. That’s a big if, though. I’m starting to really think this could be it, especially since the horses are looking like more and more of a bust.

It will be far from the end of the world if we are here for the rest of our lives (the last place would’ve really sucked, though), even though that’s not what my vibes say. What happened in Arizona and the last place has me hesitant to complain because…what if we are here for the rest of our lives? Besides, the barking doesn’t even total 2 minutes a day, so I guess I can live with it. Even if the dog stopped barking, there would just be something else to replace it. Out goes Darren’s motorcycle and honking truck and in comes Steve and the dog. There’s always something.

If we are here for life, my biggest concern would be next door. If I’m right about us having 20 more years, it’s hard to say whether or not Toni would still be around, but I can’t believe the couple on the other side would be. So we could eventually end up with something annoying over there. Another big concern would be them building something in back. Sooner or later they’re going to bulldoze out what trees are there and put in something and that would be quite maddening. Sleeping in the daytime would be virtually impossible. I figure the park may eventually buy the land, or worse, an apartment complex would be put up there. They do have to let the rain go somewhere though, and there is a bit of a dip, although I don’t know how deep, directly behind the house. So they may not come right up to the fence by our house, but pretty close enough. It would still be a nightmare if they built anything back there, whether it was houses or an apartment complex or businesses.

Whether or not the horses work out, he was thinking of eventually trying to create a VR app. I had an idea for having these trees in which leaves fall off or petals from flowers and you have to hurry up and catch as many as you can in a basket. Each time you have less time so you have to move faster and faster.

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2022 Still waiting on the purple hair dye that was supposed to come yesterday but didn’t since some idiot put it on the wrong truck. I did get the nail powder dips, however, and they’re awesome! Very easy to do and anyone can do it. It is a little time-consuming, though, compared to strips and involves about 6 different steps. It takes about 10 minutes per hand. I have Metal Red on one hand and a mix of Fluorescent Green and Teal on the other. I didn’t want to use any of the pinks which I like best until I saw how easy it was to do. I didn’t know if I was going to screw up or what. There really isn’t much to screw up, though, as long as you follow the steps. You apply the base coat and cure it. Then the nail gel and cure it. Then the top coat and cure it for just 10 seconds. Then you take a makeup applicator and tap on the powder, then brush off the excess with the makeup brush I got. The last step is putting on a second topcoat and curing it.

The UV light didn’t burn me at all. It was slightly warm, but that was it. Believe it or not, my nails are still slightly tacky, but I didn’t cure them for as long as I could have. They look gorgeous. I’m very happy with the way they came out. Regular nail polish is nowhere near this glossy. Not even the strips are. Also, you would never know I had ridges! The lighter colors don’t look as glossy, but they look glitterier.

Next time I’m going to play around with the fluorescents by another brand and do each finger a different color. After that, I’ll go back to the chrome set and do the Holographic Pink on one hand and Chameleon Pink to Gold on the other. Eventually, I want to get some glow-in-the-dark dips. I’m still going to do stickers and nail polish at times but this is a fun way to add variety and mix things up a bit.

The other brand also has hues. Six different shades of blue and a little tower with six different shades of green. Even the ugliest colors in the chrome set were still gorgeous with the way they’re so vivid, shiny, and glittery. That would be the Coffee.

I’ll just have to be patient because it’s going to be a while before I experiment with all the different colors because this stuff has some serious staying power. If I get impatient, I have remover. I just hope it works as well as the video shows.

We discussed what to get each other for our upcoming anniversary on the 15th and he’s going to pick out a diamond painting for me to do for his office wall. I’ve decided on a couple of VR apps I’d like. One’s called Nature Treks. The other is Tai Chi.

I couldn’t figure out how to create maps for my VZ rides on the computer, but as expected, he was able to figure it out, so he helped me. I created a route from Salzberg to Munich but there are parts of the trip that Nane’s bus may not have traveled through.

I’ve been thinking about Nane a lot lately and I still don’t know why I miss her. She was such a judgmental bitch at times. I guess it’s because she was one of my first international cyber friends. I did have quite a crush on her too. She was quite the story muse as Kate Jackson once was.

I can’t help but wonder what her life is like today. Is she still working as an accountant? Is she with someone? Is she healthy? Does she still like to vacation in Turkey? Lockdown must have been so hard on her because of the way she really likes to be on the go and socialize. That’s why she dumped poor Irene. Irene had settled down, but Nane was still a party girl. She probably still visits Christiane. Although Irene says she’s over it, I still feel a bit bad for her because I think Nane only blocked her because of me.

I wonder if she’ll live the rest of her life in Germany, or if she’ll one day retire in Turkey or Greece. Or maybe somewhere else?

The funniest thing happened yesterday. I was standing in the kitchen window and saw Tom pull something out of the mailbox. Only he dropped it like it was on fire. A frog was in the box and startled him, LOL. I didn’t see the frog from the window, so my first thought was some kind of wasp, bee, or a large spider.

I heard the dog for the better part of a minute yesterday because it got all excited to go out on the golf cart with its inconsiderate owner. Pretty sure I heard it this morning too. I’m getting a little closer to complaining and not hiding about it either. I don’t think they said anything to him because I was anonymous the first time around. And maybe because I might have been the only complainant thus far. If they did say anything, then this guy simply doesn’t give a shit. Either that or he’s embarrassingly stupid that he doesn’t know that he’s got options for training/controlling the damn thing.

I was tempted to ask Toni how she feels about it lately, but I don’t know how much I can trust her. I barely know the woman. She seems nice and kind of like the new Mrs. Twenties, but how do I know Toni hasn’t already shared our chat? How do I also know that Mrs. Twenties didn’t tell the Bs I complained, or told someone that told the Bs? I have my doubts, though, because of how fast the counter-complaint came. I don’t think it was even 24 hours. I would think it would take two or three days for word to get back to the Bs and for them to look our place over and decide what to complain about, and then for Joy to come out and decide to leave a note on our door. Joy probably still gave our names to the Bs, but it was her counter-complaint, no doubt. It was her spiting someone who complained on her friends. That’s how they were able to get away with so much shit for so long and not get evicted. Joy had the chance to defend herself when I contacted her when we left and she never did. Silence often speaks the truth.

I’m still hesitant to complain here after what happened at the other place. My complaint could add to the anonymous one and any other possible complaints and lead to something being done about the mutt, or it could backfire on us and get us counter-complained on. You just never know who’s friends with whom.

THURSDAY, JUNE 2, 2022 Saw the new ENT yesterday and wasn’t very impressed. He did an OK job but wasn’t very friendly. He was over a half-hour late too. The waiting room was kind of crowded. There’s more than one doctor there. I’m glad there weren’t any annoying kids, but one guy was playing a game show loud on his phone and the other had an insanely loud ringer and would gab on the phone when he would get a call. Through modern technology and paper-thin walls (he was in the exam room next door), I learned that his thyroid biopsy came back OK, LOL.

There was this really tall and really skinny woman that came in to get her mother who was also skinny but not as tall. Meth heads? It was weird. The woman came in barefoot and had gauze wrapped around one calf.

Since I only need to see an ENT every nine months, I’ve decided to stick with him because he’s close by. Competency is most important, not friendliness. I got a morning appointment so I shouldn’t have to wait so long. Sure do miss my old ENT, though!

Again, we stopped at Burger King on the way back and today we ran up to CVS for treats. I got a few pieces of caramel and a 4-pack of Merlot.

I was wrong in saying that he threw away $25 on the horses. He was given money for signing up and that’s what he’s been using. He said that if he loses it all, then he’s just not good enough and he’s not going to bet again.

Trying to remove the Color Street nail strips was a nightmare! I didn’t realize that they were like Jamberry. You can’t just peel them off. I had to pour some nail polish remover into a baggie and place the baggie inside a cup of warm water. Even then, it took forever to get it off. It explains why they felt different. They’re great if you don’t mind letting them wear off naturally or taking the time to remove them. Can’t wait for tomorrow’s hair and nail goodies!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1, 2022 Liz did a great job trimming my hair yesterday and I learned something from her too. You’re not supposed to wash your hair every day. When she told me she only washes hers once a week, I was stunned. When I asked if her hair got really greasy and her scalp itchy, she said no because she uses a dry shampoo that you spray in between washes. She said you just have to train your scalp. She says the reason my scalp is oily while my hair is dry (besides thyroid disease) is that the more you wash your hair, the more oil the scalp produces while the shampoo itself dries the hair out if it’s overused. I used to go every other day when my hair was really long so I wouldn’t have to deal with it as much. I can’t see myself going a whole week, but maybe every other day.

I ordered some dry shampoo spray along with a spray-in conditioner. The dry shampoo comes in different fruity and floral scents.

I also got Purely Purple semi-permanent hair dye and decided to splurge on the nail powder dips after all. I got two different sets. One comes with applicators and contains fluorescents. The other comes with base and top coats and has metallics and holographic powders.

Love the new cast iron skillet, as heavy as it is, and our new silicone oven mitts. The heat doesn’t go through these like the cheap dollar-store ones I had. I prefer mitts to potholders because that way I don’t have to worry about dropping them inside the oven like I’ve done a couple of times.

After getting my hair done, we went to Burger King. Later today I’ll be seeing my new and hopefully permanent ENT.

The Austria ride I did took about 20 hours. I started a Budapest ride yesterday but couldn’t get past 57% of it because Google didn’t have sufficient images. I hate that shit! So now I’m in very northern Italy.

Mia’s free gift last time around was a dull gray denim jacket.

Last night’s wake-up call, besides waking up to pee and just because, was a nightmare. It started off great. Aly was still alive, and she and Kim came to see me. We all hugged at the airport and then my stomach felt funny. I told them to hang on while I ran to the bathroom, and left them to chat with Tom. In the bathroom, I found I was bleeding and was horrified, knowing I shouldn’t have any bleeding now that I was post-menopausal. I decided I would just keep it to myself for a while and then the dream ended.

[1d1195]

I’ve missed you too!! Such a busy week has left me drained lol but seriously bestie chatting with you cheers me up every single time💕

You’re so real for skipping around the audio for the sweet parts lol especially when it comes to friends to lovers legit a trope I could ever get tired of!! I would say get into audio book but tbh sometimes the people narrating them are not the best… so yeah maybe stick to the audio porn lol also you’re writing something for Thursday?!? A WIN!!!!!!

Aren’t we all angsty girlies at heart?!! At least I know I am lol love the pain and distress lol made to be was just so so so good I know I say this often but I might just have to re-read! (And I genuinely do bc the amount of time I’ve re-read your stories is crazy lol) and the new teacherry won’t be dumb! And if it is who cares!! This is fiction so it doesn’t have to be groundbreaking at all! I know it won’t suck but I do understand how it can be hard to see the positives sometimes!

Cariño is a fave of mine for reasons idk why! There’s also bebé(baby), preciosa(precious), querida, mi reina(my queen, but tbh I’m not a fave of queen in general lol) but omg gatita IS SO FOR YOUR STOIRES😭 there’s probably a ton I’m blanking on lol mi vida is also such a classic that I love it too lol and I don’t think that you would offend anyone tbh! Plus if you want to use the restaurant storyline stuff like tacos and other food stuff is what sells ya know. I think as long as you don’t really enforce stereotypes(I doubt you will!) then you’re fine! Or I could also see the reason of him using Spanish nicknames would be maybe because he studied aboard? Or maybe just living in a place where they mainly spoke Spanish for a bit? Or he’s just crazy smart and learned the language on his own lol ANWAYS I fear i will once again die(good way)if you ever use a Spanish nickname!!

lol

I’ve had other 3 hour courses before and they can totally make or break how I retain the info. I always kinda feel like I wanna share about the cool topics but i definitely geek out about and I fear these little chants would become WAYY longer than needed lol but thank you!! Hopefully I’ll stay interested in it for at least half way through 😭

NOT THE NOSE😭( I SCREAMED) BESTIE DRAG ME HAHAHA (his nose is cute though so you’re right😔) but for him i find his hands the most attractive…he’s also tall and wears glasses so i fear i wont shut up about him lol and thank you for the lovely vibes!!

Oh think those colors would be so cool for you! Especially rn since i think thats what’s like popular I think? But im sure it will look lovely in theory lol it probably would be a shock for everyone but dare i say bestie i kinda love the idea of you doing that!! Yeah the upkeep and like special products once has to use to take care of the color can be a lot lol I LOVE the way the universe made you!!!

You’re so right about Cody lol and I can see the appeal of Ben but Josh… girl trauma lol I love a good sad character even if it hurts knowing about! There’s also nothing wrong taking the sperm donor route like I have done my research as well lol Also a honey prequel?!? THATS SUCH A GOOD IDEA!! And bestie honey is turning out great!I have no doubt the last few parts will be just the same! You are and have been capable of creating such lovely stories!

Understandable about the wedding! I can see the Most couple getting eloped or whatever since they are basically soulmates lol I can definitely see how the guilt of her leaving could prevent her from even enjoying being engaged or going through the wedding process. And you’re right Harry would marry her whenever and wherever lol oh that’s such a good way of grouping firefighters 😭

Retail therapy is always fun! But I totally get how it sucks when not even the sweet treats are working😭 sending you the best vibes to help your brain!! Also a trip to Salem sounds so fun!! Have you been there before? Fall very much seems like your season( plus your birthday is coming up soon-ish!!) and a mft update would be so good for fall!

I actually had a busy weekend! Went out with friends to a drag show on campus which was fun! Did some needed errands but sadly started to feel off bc of my period:( but I’m fine just in slight pain lol and this quarter I only go for 3 days so it’s not too bad! Though I do have to wake up really early and stay really late on campus which is lame! But typically I like to go everyday just so I can have consistency but it just depends on the classes tbh who knows how next quarter will be lol

Ahhh Sam my love I am wishing you the best start of the week! Missed you loads!! Sending you so much love bestie! Love you lots!!!-💜

I think I misspoke perhaps. I meant Thursday as in the date not my story. 🙃 This is a next-door neighbors he's obnoxious but hot, she's not falling for it but is. But it's a little heavy I think. And with the recent Honey update, I'm thinking maybe I'll skip it. We'll see if I throw something together. Y'all might get the last part of Honey on Thursday 🤭 I'm sure everyone's devastated.

Sometimes I write stuff and I'm like "Omg no one would ever do this or believe this" and I know that's kinda the whole reason for fiction, but yeah. I just don't want it to be ridiculous. I'm an angsty girl because I love solving problems (math people, am I right?) but I don't like when it's a prolonged problem I need it solved like ASAP. (I often skip ahead in books, even if it's just a couple pages or a chapter because I get so distraught 😭) and when the love is loving, I need to know it's going to get better.

Preciosa is also super cute! I am def not a fan of my queen. I love princess (thanks Niall). but other than that. GATITA FOR THE WIN. I love the idea of studying abroad Harry. Love that love that love that!

Even if you just give me like a tidbit to study and look up. Or I'll make another sideblog just for you to send anon messages and geek out about psych stuff. I'm down for whatever you just let me know!

I WASN'T DRAGGING I SWEAR 😭 I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE. Yes, hands, bless. I will not elaborate about hands, but you know. Everyone knows. GLASSES I'm S O L D. Please, do NOT shut up about him. I'm here for him.

I've been thinking about it more and more because I realized very recently my hair is all one color. Doesn't really photograph well. Idk. I don't photograph well at all. I think my whole aesthetic is "lovely in theory" 💀

I bet you're really kicking yourself that "honey is turning out great!" 🤭

Never been to Salem, no. Fall IS my season. I am a sweater, campfire, and bugs dying kind of girl. Apple picking? Say less. Basically, I want to be MFT mc and just live my best fall life.

I love that you still did fun things even if you're starting to feel off. It sounds like a fun weekend overall! I hope the pain continues to not be too bad. 3 days is a dream! I get the consistency. That's brutal for a sleep schedule. Can you sleep late on the days you don't have classes at least? But yeah, I get it. Some classes are such a drag!

LOVE YOU!

xoxo

[estelofrivendell]

Hey I just read the reply to the ask I sent out, and I just wanted to apologise!

I assumed you blocked me because of the fact you that you thought I was a bot and nothing else, which is why I created the new account to use. This was naive of me, so again I apologise.

Anyways I wanted to say sorry genuinely, because I guess im knew to tumblr so im not really sure how requesting works/ proper requesting/ blog interacting etiquette is handled, I definitely should have done more educating before jumping into making requests so I’m sorry for that.

In no way shape or form did I intend on disrespecting you or any other writes work, or kindness to fulfil a request! I certainly didn't intend to show a lack of appreciation by requesting a similar ask again, I just wondered how you or another blog might write a story with the a similar character dynamic but with your own unique plot line which would see the characters being put in different circumstances! This was truly my only intention, regardless I see how it is insensitive and not an appropriate thing to pester on about!

I honestly had no intention in trying to make it seem like I was dissatisfied with a previous Fic or that it would come across as an entitled action, and I definitely understand how it might, I should’ve considered this before and for that I’m truly sorry! Up until now I didn't realise that requesting a similar ask when it had already been so kindly written for would be disrespectful or hurtful, but I now understand it is and will absolutely not do it again!

I also definitely did not feel that you had to reply to each of my three requests I just sent out a bunch and thought that you might feel connected more to one of them or just genuinely more interested to write for one of the three asks. I kinda saw it as giving out a variety of options to pick Incase you liked any of them, but I realise now that it can seem quite pushy or greedy and have the opposite effect than I intended, and im so sorry for making you feel like I was trying to be exploitative!

Regardless of everything, In no way shape or form do I expect to you to accept this apology, I just thought deserved the apology either way, and I just wanted you to know that I’m genuinely sorry and will be more sensitive and considerate from now on, and will no longer interact with this blog which I should’ve respected before. I’m sorry again and I hope you do know that I appreciate your work nonetheless, you are an amazing writer and I’m sorry that I caused you stress and negativity. Wish you the best!

Hey,

I accept your apology and I respect you for understanding why it’s wrong. We all start out somewhere. Unfortunately many Tumblr users are very aggressive, I’m not using that as an excuse for how harsh I was but I’ve been on this site for many years now and people don’t like to apologise here. You handled it maturely.

I personally wouldn’t be bothered if you sent me those three requests once you asked me if it was okay or you directly stated I can choose which one, which you didn’t but you did address that in your apology. Slip ups happen. However some writers don’t like it at all and only want you to send one ask regardless. In that case you should read their rules carefully if it mentions that. If not, just send the request you want written out the most.

I already talked about in your last ask why sending it out to multiple authors is really distasteful so I won’t go much over that and you did understand why it’s something every fanfic writer looks down on. Your first request was detailed so it limits to a specific plot. If you had just sent out a simple prompt or a general request (which I think your most recent request was) then that’s where you would see the different takes writers have.

Have a good day/night Anon :)

[eevvvaa]

Hello there! 🥰 I'm here for the get-to-know-me ask game 🙌❤️ I would like to know:

cactus ⇢ something you’re currently learning (about)?

sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?

Sending you a big hug! 😊

Heeeey ! Sorry for answering just now ! 😘

cactus ⇢ something you’re currently learning (about)?

Huuum 🤔Does facing fears and stepping out of my comfort zone counts ? 😂 Because it’s somehting I’ve had to do for a little while now and definitely have to go through in two weeks 😨 

sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?

I’m not sure cinema is a ‘medium’ art... but it’s the art that I’m so most reseptive to. The story and actors can moved me but the things that creates something in me the most is the visual. I mean, the colors or the lights. For example, I loved the movie La La Land but not necessarily because of the story but more because of everything that I saw in it.

Like :

Maybe I just love photography, really 🤔😊 Anyway, I don’t know if cinema and movies is a medium art but it’s definitely what’s touching me the most. But of course the music adds emotions and power to the scenes with those beautiful shots ! 🥰

But, if I had to choose one of the arts between paranthesis, maybe I’ll pick painting. I’ve always been so impressed when looking closely to a painting of a landscape, for example. Looking at all the tiny brush strokes that made it look like someone had taken a picture of the sea 😯

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

Oh, I was weird ahah I was a little strange, very sulky when things upset me, sensible and easily offended. Oh and I fell in love easily, having a crush on anyone passing by 🙈 

Well, I think I’ve changed on a few things, I grew up on the whole touchy/easily offended things, I worked on it even if I still take things the wrong way sometimes or sulk for a little moment when something hurts/upsets me. But I make efforts, I swear ! 😅 I’m still strange, a little, I have a weird sense of humor and sometimes I just add weird comments from out of nowhere ahah and I’m wayyyy too into fictional characters comparing to the people I know ! Like, I’m easily into the universe and the characters and read fics about it (now I write some ?!), I daydream constantly, I download pics of the characters/actors and that’s something I always did when I was a kid, I easily got attached to the fictional characters, feeling for them like they were real. Oh and for the ‘fall easily in love’ part ? I don’t actually fall in love with them but I can easily have a crush on people, get attached quickly or think about them even when nothing, nothing at all, happened.

I talked about this here once, but one day I came across a guy in the supermarket, he had only smiled at me and made a happy face because we were both wearing a hat (I know, it’s stupid ahah) and when he had walked passed me in a shelf and I was in his way, he gently put a hand on my shoulder and said “don’t worry, it’s me” when we didn’t know each other at all. And my stomach tightened and I blushed and was like “oh. It’s me. Like, me, even though I don’t know who me is at all. I wanna know who me is, now." And sometimes, when do the grocery shopping, I look around, trying to see if I see him again, somewhere 😂 As a kid, I had a crush on any guy passing by and who showed me a bit of attention or the dorky guy. And now that I’m older, it’s still the case ahah I think it’s reaaaaally easy to hit on me, I’d fall for it in a second and that’s definitely something that is present since I was a kid 😂🙈

So, I think that the kid I was made me the girl I am now, that I still have a lot of similarities with little Eva even if I worked on the flaws a little because I grew up. But my personality is the one I had when I was little, minus the optimism (unfortunately) and adding the anxiety 😬😅

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?

Ah ! I know that I love some vilains or horrible characters but it’s because they are made to be loved. There are vilains that are so horrible or disguting or bad that we can see why we they are so interesting but we don’t necessarily love them. And there are others where we know they are bad and horrible but it’s done in a way where we kinda like them a little ! I’m part of the second option 😶

Like, we can say that Hannibal Lecter is a vilain (I mean... he eats people 😬) but I loooooove his character. My favorite character of Prison Break was T-Bag and he does monstruous things to children ! but he also made me laugh a little, always wanting to team up with the good guys when he's a horrible human being 🙈 But there are other characters that are less horrible that I love, like Kai in The Vampire Diaries or Peter Hale in Teen Wolf. And in Supernatural, for example, I love Lucifer but he’s made to be loved. He can be funny but also scary from time to time, got the gift of the gab and all but he’s made to be loved, somehow. But on the other hand, I absolutely hate Chuck. (or maybe I hate the writers, but that’s another debate ahah) I hate Chuck even though at first I liked him, he was funny but when he turned into a bad guy, I hated him and I don’t think he was necessarily made to be loved when we learned he was the vilain. He was made to be the vilain and that’s all

Does what I’m saying makes sense ? 😅😂

I’m so sorry, my answer was sooooo long !!! But thank you so much for asking, it was fun 😁🥰

Send Me An Ask

[chocolate-terminal]

Armageddon

Suppression (probably) doesn’t work like you think it does.

‘Does the suppression play harmless fooling you that you are 1you and 2you Split between two Untapped potential you never knew ’ 

You wrote this, and the answer is no twice. See, that part’s Repression: Soul’s Splitting Demon.

It’s something (you create) that overpowers your mind from the inside, and makes the decision for you.

I’m not very (visibly?) repressed (suppressed, yes) because repression is mostly dangerous a darkness for people who are relationally focused (Empaths).

Still, clearly, I’ve been feeling a lack of relating in my life and that’s probably one of the reasons you appeared in it. I very much appreciate your help :)

Suppression is much more evil in my opinion; and you are certainly free to disagree; because, unlike repression which enslaves you, that is, without your consent - and so, missing something - suppression makes you sell yourself. And hurt others. Of your own free will. ‘You are responsible in this situation’.

Can you tell something is off with this sentence?

Is it even worth your time? Suppression can be useful.

Consider the damage repression did to our relationship - we made it through stronger, it was external to us.

Now consider the damage suppression did. You felt deceived.

But see, that’s not entirely fair. Because suppression in its fine form is not about lying or hiding. It’s about dismissing. Not rejecting. Dismissing. Case Dismissed!

It’s about your voice having been dismissed for so long that you just do it to yourself. “Oh but you create your reality.” - Sort of, but that’s assuming you’re an island with no sense of unity whatsoever. Otherwise, there is always an attempt to match to an extent - for unity’s sake.

It’s about feeling amazing so surely anything in you that tells you this is too close too fast is just useless fear and should be dismissed. And besides, it’s hurtful, do you want to hurt the people you love just because of some silly fleeting feeling?

Aren’t all those classifications completely autistic anyway? Autism is crazy, right? No? It’s more complicated than that? Who cares it’s not like I’m autistic, that’s not the point! (Then again it’s not like I checked - stop losing yourself in tangents! You always get lost in tangents! Nobody cares about your tangents! Stop saying ‘I’ so much you fucking narc!)

I mean ‘honorary girlfriend’ - really. You should have kept your mouth shut. You were already too far deep. You always end up hurting the people around you!

Look! Now you’ve run your mouth again and look at what you did!

It’s definitely not the months of ignoring how you felt and then dropping everything at once like it’s nothing. Because it’s nothing right?

See, suppression doesn’t always lead to silence.

I mean, sure, half of our global systems appears to be undergoing catastrophic failure, while the idiots in power fuck it up, but it’s not like there’s anything truly impactful you can do about it right?

Just keep on recycling plastic bags or something. You already don’t eat meat. You should be proud of yourself! 

Suppression sometimes sounds like a friend.

And if you wonder, presently, aside perhaps from a slithering snake - there isn’t much inside of me that resembles a beast.

Oh no, suppression does not blow up as a beast.

/!\ Warning: Lots of flashing images /!\

Did I already post that? Maybe I shouldn’t then.. Just in case..

And it’s not worth embarrassing myself by admitting to have played that video a literal 10 times when I first found it because the whole thing felt so fucking liberating!

I LOVE HOW FUCKING DYNAMIC THIS IS!

WHERE DID THAT PART OF ME GO!

Edit: Mulan story is a story of rising against oppression, and it does demonstrate the possible usefulness of suppression in some cases.